Malaysian football supporters are a fickle-minded lot

I don’t know what plagues fellow Malaysians but they sure do like to bask in the limelight by associating themselves with winners and will not hesitate to switch allegiance depending on which club wins.

I am talking about sports in particular, football. This is a football mad country, nothing wrong with that because it is both the most watched and most popular sport in the world. But I have an issue with the local football fans.

Take for instance, Chelsea Football Club. Only recently, they have only become strong, thanks largely to the impressive spending power of their owner, Roman Abramovich who brought in big star players and a big mouthed football manager who has since left to manage Inter Milan in Italy.

This club finally clinched the Premier League title in 2004-05 season, ending the title drought of 50 long years when they last won the 1954-55 season in the then, Football League 1st Division. Overnight, we saw so many Chelsea supporters proudly showing their affiliation with the club through displaying of the club’s merchandise in cars and donning the jersey. Prior to this, were they cooped up in a cave somewhere and only upon their club winning the title, released from the cave? This sounds far-fetched. Therefore, the only plausible explanation is that these supporters are glory hunters.

Another sudden and mysterious emergence of so many fans albeit of a different club was when Arsenal won the league in 1997-98 season and the numbers just multiplied when “The Invincibles” team won the 2003-04 season unbeaten. However, in recent years these so called Gunners are not as ubiquitous as during the club’s glorious years. Ever wondered where they are now? Most of them are Chelsea supporters now. If Manchester United wins this season’s Premiership title, rest assured these supporters will jump ship.

Mark my words, in the future, if Port Vale F.C or Millwall F.C manages to gain promotion to the Premier League and subsequently win the league, many Malaysians will automatically pride themselves as supporters of either club in an instant. Never mind that as of now, they have not heard of these 2 clubs.

Liverpool supporters have my greatest admiration. Even though this club last won the league title when dinosaurs were still roaming the earth, the supporters still stay loyal and proud of it too, until today.

Are all vegetarians kind-hearted souls?

By nature, humans are omnivorous. However, choosing herbivore lifestyle is gaining currency all over the world either due to reason of religiosity, health or compassion towards animals. Undeniably it’s a noble choice to be a vegetarian and no vegetarian should be subjected to unsavoury remarks or being treated insensitively. Hopefully, one fine day, I would also be able to hop into the vegetarian bandwagon after I’ve successfully weaned myself of Bak Kut Teh. Knowing me, it would be a tall order.

For the health freaks, it would be useful to know that being vegetarian is not a sure-fire way to leading a healthier lifestyle. The jury is out whether humans are able to derive maximum benefits out of a diet which is strictly devoid of meat simply for the reason that humans’ diet does require a healthy balance of meat and vegetables intake.
If that’s not convincing enough, the late Linda McCartney was a popular vegetarian who had breast cancer which took her life eventually, so too was Olivia Newton John but the latter survive the cancer scare.

Being compassionate towards animals is also another reason why people choose to shun meat. Adherents of certain religions like Mahayana Buddhism and Hinduism or kind atheists belong to this category. These people believe that animals have every right to live, just like humans do; therefore it’s inhumane to kill them for their meat.
Any visit to the slaughterhouse will confirm this to be true as prior to being killed, it is as if the condemned animals know the fate awaiting them and will put up a struggle. Some even shed tears. It is truly a pitiful sight and definitely not for the faint-hearted. Insensitive this may sound but this morbid visit is highly recommended to those who need an impetus to turn vegetarian instantly.

Many of us have the mistaken view that Buddhist clergies are compelled to be vegetarians. While it is true with the Mahayana tradition (widely practised in East Asian countries like China, Vietnam, Korea and Japan), it is foreign to the Theravadin tradition (widely practised in Sri Lanka, Thailand, Cambodia & Myanmar). In fact, Buddha ate meat and didn’t ban His followers from eating meat. However, He did discourage His followers to kill with the sole intention to partake in the meat; neither did He allow them to commission others to kill on their behalf in order to consume the meat. He went so far as to disallow His believers to work as butchers and that monks must decline to eat meat as offered by the lay-people if they suspect the animal was specifically killed as offering. It goes without saying He taught that there is no basis in sacrificing animals to be offered as prayers. That is why in Buddhism; food of any kind is not offered as prayers. A proof of his seriousness in treating lives as precious is the inclusion of “killing is strictly forbidden” as one of the 5 basic tenets in Buddhism every Buddhist should follow.

What Buddha did is a proof of his compassion but why did he stop short of compelling his followers to only partake in vegetarian food? Come to think of it, it is only natural that if the consumption of meat stops, the killing ends. It is because of what he did not do; his religious order was split when his cousin, Devadatta, also a monk; raised hue and cry that Buddhism should reject meat outright and that monks must not consume meat.
Naturally, one would think Devadatta’s request was not unreasonable.

This knowledge stupefied me for years but my confusion was finally put to rest when I had a discourse on vegetarianism with a senior Theravadin monk in Lunas, Kedah. Regardless of whether one is a vegetarian or otherwise is not a good judgment of one’s character. Some vegetarians are under the illusion that by just eating vegetables, they do not contribute to killing, not realising that pesticide is generously sprayed all over the farm where the vegetables are grown. It is also of no use if one is vegetarian but continues to harbour ill-will towards other human beings.

Back to Devadatta, opposing Buddha on meat-eating was not the only vile acts he committed. Seeing that he failed to gain the upper hand, he resorted to inebriating an elephant named “Nalagiri” to kill Buddha. By so doing, he did 2 acts of cruelty, cruelty to animal and intending to kill another man.
Throughout history, we can also see how some vegetarians embarked on a killing spree from Pol Pot, Charles Manson, Volkert Van der Graaf to Adolf Hitler. The German Fuhrer was even a teetotaller and did not smoke.

How do you love Malaysia? Let me count the ways

Are you one of the many people who are sick of politicians annually questioning the loyalty and patriotism of fellow Malaysians every Merdeka month?

To the politicians, it seems the only way to gauge one’s patriotism is whether she displays Jalur Gemilang (Malaysian flag).This is the most simplistic way of judging nationalistic fervour. Truth be known, flag is sacrosanct to every country and in no way, should we subject it to soot and grime but instead, should always handle it with great protocol and care. Certainly, to garb in it is to show disrespect. Worse still, some ignorant patriots proudly display flag but don’t even know how to fold it or subject it to wear and tear after a certain period of time.

Let me state unequivocally that it is of no point displaying flags but continue to:

1. Condone kickback when handing out contracts or when detaining people for criminal acts.

2. Pit Malaysians against each other through spewing of racist remarks and implementation of policies detrimental to Malaysians of other races.

3. Muzzle the media and subject them to yearly renewal of licence.

4. Unilaterally detain political dissents under the draconian ISA.

5. Ignore all (study or business) loans which have been given.

6. Not granting permission to build places of worship for other religions.

7. Flagrantly commit crimes, no matter how minor.

8. Have double standards by conveniently applying two different laws for people.

9. Deny people legal recourse at secular courts.

10. Dirty public places by leaving rubbish everywhere after having good time at waterfalls.

11. Make political parties the sole domain for certain races.

12. Suppress Malaysians rights to have mature discourse.

Admittedly, there are many Malaysians who do not readily display our flag but that doesn’t mean we are any less patriotic than the flag-waving Malaysians.

Next time before you accuse other Malaysians of not being patriotic enough, it will be helpful to put your own house in order first.

Divide & Rule still prevalent?

History has a habit of being conveniently reinterpreted by victors or those who have gained liberation from their former political masters. When we were impressionably young, our teachers instilled in us that the British were evil because they propagated the “Divide and Rule” system of governance on its Malayan subjects of various races so that we would not stand united to fight against them and in the absence of this unity, the British would be able to tighten their ruling grip on the country.

To further augment their point, our teachers would often cite the classic example of Chinese living in urban areas, Malays in kampongs and the Indians concentrated mainly in rubber plantations. Of course, I accepted this line of argument as sacred truth but inexplicably, it dawned upon me somehow that this could not be a deliberate act by the British. The way I see it now, it’s just a natural development that we lived in different settings then.

Let’s reflect for a moment, before our Chinese and Indian forebears immigrated here, were the towns and estates already in existence? I doubt so. It was only after we extracted tin and tilled the land that the older generations eventually developed the areas they lived in. Consequently, what was a forest transformed into town. If you accept this reasoning as logical, you will realise that we had been accepting blindly what was told to us.

Fast forward to the present, the British had left and we are the rightful masters of our country but the real “Divide and Rule” method is actually taking place now. Look no further than our public higher institutions of learning where the intake of students tilts towards certain people. Apart from that, our politicians always pit fellow Malaysians against each other by their incendiary remarks smacks of racism. Even certain political parties open exclusively to the races they represent; UMNO, MCA and MIC quickly come to mind. On the other hand, regardless of whether you are a Malay, Chinese or Indian, you can always join the DAP or Parti Keadilan Rakyat as members.

Some people just can’t afford to allow Malaysians of all races to be truly united because if we are allowed to, there won’t be any more smokescreens for them to continue plundering the country’s wealth. To my fellow beloved Malaysians; I say this to you, “United We Stand, Divided We Fall. Or should I say, “Bersatu Kita Teguh, Bercerai Kita Roboh”?

"We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools." - Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Waiter, there's a cock in my soup!"

Hearing mouse-like sounds being made in eateries is second nature to anyone who has been living in Malaysia for more than a day.

This disrespectful call to attention by patrons of restaurants is a recent phenomenon, no longer than 15 years, I guesstimate. Seriously, I cringe whenever I hear this sound being made.

Is it because Malaysians generally look down on those who wait at their tables that they have to do this kind of annoying sound when they can always substitute it with a spoken word like “Hello” or “Excuse me”?

Malaysians of all races are guilty of this. I think this fad was started by Malaysian Chinese youths who not too long ago, would make this sound when they saw pretty girls walking past. It goes without saying; these pathetic losers didn’t warrant a look from their targets. Unfortunately, we have now adopted this practice to be used on waiters instead.

Consider this; do you think the same rude Malaysians will do the same to their parents or the waiters at posh restaurants?

I have always thought that people who do this show very badly on their moral standings.
It’s time we stopped doing this. Waiters may not earn that much but there’s 1 similarity between them and us, we are all humans.

The So Called High-Class Residential Areas

It’s undeniable that our country has progressed tremendously and along with it, nudges her people towards upward mobility. The result we see now is a sizeable Malaysians who belong to the middle class or higher.

Nothing is more evident by the mushrooming of new houses courtesy of various developers in catering to the Malaysian nouveau riche.
But we are now witnessing an alarming trend associated with this positive development.
Allow me to justify, I was born and raised in a place called Kepong. Previously this place was regarded as a less than savoury place in KL, fit for people with dubious backgrounds and secret societies were in abundance. There may be a semblance of truth to this but times have changed and today’s Kepong is no longer its former shadow self.

This change is attributed to the fact that we are experiencing land scarcity in KL due to massive migration of people from other states and the birth of more families. For convenience sake, people do want to live near to the city centre and since other places have no more land for further development, naturally developers eye newer untapped places to fulfil these people’s needs. Kepong benefited from this.

Unfortunately, some highly delusional people embarked on an ambitious plan to house rich people yet were very embarrassed by the painful truth that the very land they wanted to develop is situated in Kepong. That could be solved or so they thought, by building new houses and when completed, eradicated whatever association these projects have with seedy Kepong by conveniently adding the name “Damansara” into the new addresses. Better still, have a new postcode instead of 52100.

Suddenly, Damasara is closer to Kepong than ever before and no, it’s not due to the LDP highway but some deceitful acts. If you ask me, there’s no logic why these latest housing estates are called Damansara instead of Kepong since they are actually nearer to Kepong than Damansara! Maybe, this was done to placate equally delusional home buyers that no, they were not going to buy homes in Kepong. Reality bites; therefore, let us all collectively pull the wool over own eyes.
Ironically, some of these home owners used to live within a stone’s throw away in a place called Kepong and some are involved in illegal businesses. What a joke.

Moving away from Kepong, KL has another up and coming new housing project called, lo and behold, Vivaldi! Why they settled on this name is anyone’s guess. I can only hazard a guess that it invokes a feeling of sophistication. It’s not that this hugely popular Venetian music composer was buried in the very ground the structure is built on and neither will he rise from dead to play The Four Seasons the moment the residents reach home after a long and tiring day. I reckon the person who came up with this name for this housing project was probably bankrupted of ideas.

So, moving onwards, what can we expect? Maybe, as I’m writing this piece, an intelligent housing developer might have decided on another new housing estate and it would be called The Picasso-Mozart-Shakespearean-Da Vinci Garden.

What a mouthful but don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.

One of the best jobs in the world

There is one special profession, which doesn’t distinguish whether the interested parties are graduates or non-graduates so long they have the strongest of mind and thickest of skin. However, dynamic acting skills are a pre-requisite to excel in its nature of job.

I’m talking about begging. Begging is ubiquitous in almost all countries, even the United States of America has these “professionals” I’m not wrong at all to label them as professionals because some really work full time as beggars. Who wouldn’t, because in a good day, these professionals can rake in a lot of money? There are beggars who are richer than both you and I combined and this is certainly not an exaggeration.

Apparently, several years ago, it was reported in a local Chinese newspaper on the discovery of a beggar who afforded his children overseas education! Then, there was another one which I saw with my own eyes whilst in primary school, a picture appeared in another Chinese newspaper of an old lady entering a chauffeur-driven Benz. Nothing wrong with that you may think but moments earlier, this swindler queued-up to receive donation from kind donors meant for her fellow oldies living in an old folks’ home.

Of all the different beggars found in Malaysia, no one angers me more than those hiding behind the religious cloak to swindle money from gullible Malaysians. Here, I would like to share tips on how to spot a bogus Buddhist monk from The Real McCoy. To the uninitiated, real monks are only allowed to have several essentials in his possession and they are robe (to cover modesty), alms bowl (strictly for food), razor (to shave their head), a modest shelter and medicine. Any other things not expressed here are considered luxury items, money included. In the olden days, even a pair of slippers was something foreign to Buddhism but times have changed and the religious order now makes allowance for slippers to protect the soles.

In addition to that, monks are expressly discouraged from partaking food after 12 noon. Taking all these into consideration, those robe wearing swindlers are definitely fleecing the unsuspecting public by peddling religious items in their alms bowls when the only item allowed in it is food given by followers. Malaysians who consider themselves Buddhists are partly to blame for allowing this problem to fester due to their ignorance of the very religion they claim to profess. Thais, Sri Lankans, Burmese and Cambodians will definitely see through the impersonators’ ruse because not only do their knowledge of their religion is more solid but back home and by the virtue of being Buddhist countries, the monks there do go out for their alms round every morning to receive food offering from the locals. In Malaysia, monks are not allowed to do that en-masse because of religious sensitivity since ours is not a Buddhist country. So, next time you come across “monks” walking from table to table seeking donation, you may ignore them. In Petaling Street, the “monks” just stand stationary at strategic places. Those are impersonators as well.

Lately, we are also witnessing many old beggars who are Mainland Chinese coming here to beg. These people are definitely brought into Malaysia by syndicates. Here, I would like to stimulate your thought awhile, how can beggars afford to buy plane tickets to come here to Malaysia for begging?

The other type of beggars is the donation seekers representing charitable organisations but these beggars are more dignified because they just have to carry files with a lot of pictures depicting the less fortunate people. I may sound like a cynic to you but I’ve been cheated for far too many times and it is out of civic-consciousness on my part that I am to here to prevent more people from falling victims to these dastardly scams.

If you are still keen on performing good deeds, you might want to consider buying provisions instead of donating money and send these items personally to the charitable organisations of your choice. This is what I do and while I realise even this method is not fool-proof, at least you have some control measures in place.

Otherwise, continue being a gullible fool. Your loss is the conmen’s gain.

Good luck.

Shorties in the world, unite!

Anyone who knows me personally and is not retarded should be able to figure out that I lack in the height department.

Today, I’m going to write about my kind. If you are a shorty and happen to read this, you ought to be proud of yourself for we have been mesmerising mankind for as long as mankind itself, evident by countless folklore, stereotypical stories, movies and books and even anthropological studies.

What is it about us that interest so many people? One thing’s for sure, it’s definitely not due to romantic perception because to many uninterested suitors, short people are just plain undesirable, to put it bluntly. Don’t concur? Just ask Dopey, Grumpy, Doc, Happy, Bashful, Sneezy and Sleepy! Snow White opted for a prince at their expense. Findings from numerous studies also lend credence to my view that women generally prefer tall men to be their partners because they are seen to be healthier, thus able to produce better offspring. Yes, humans may have evolved but we still maintain certain animalistic traits.

Recently, the current French president, Nicolas Sarkozy made news for the wrong reasons, which provided unwitting gags to the international community. His minders saw it fit to selectively ask short workers from a factory he was visiting to appear alongside him in a televised speech so that no one would be seen dwarfing him. That’s not all, at a D-Day commemoration; he delivered a speech whilst standing on a stool behind the dais. He probably did this because 2 other leaders who showed up for the ceremony, President Obama and Prime Minister Gordon Brown are taller than he is.

I find all these rather amusing because here’s a president of a country with the 5th largest economy in the world, yet he still feels insecure about his diminutiveness. Lest you think he’s the shortest leader in the world today, there’s a leader who’s even more modest in height and he is Dmitry Medvedev, the incumbent President of Russia.

If Mr. Sarkozy needs any inspiration from a fellow shorty, he should look no further than his compatriot, Napoleon Bonaparte, the greatest shorty ever. This is an indisputable statement. In his heyday, Napoleon struck fear in many peoples’ mind, so brilliant a strategist he was that he conquered Europe and beyond until The Battle of Waterloo sealed his fate.

Napoleon was so great that he spawns a psychological theory “Napoleon syndrome.” According to psychologists, it’s a term to describe short people who aggressively over excel in their chosen fields to compensate for their limited stature.

Truth be known, the cynical side of me used to believe that successful short people was just mere coincidence and that height had nothing to do with achievements. In fact, I happily concurred with many studies that tall people have many advantages compared to their shorter counterparts in career advancement because short people tend to be viewed suspiciously and unfairly as being more untrustworthy. Then, something jolted me; the people who hold high positions in my company are not very tall. This discovery has started to raise my suspicion about the validity of such studies. Needless to say, I always bear the brunt of colleagues’ jokes that by the virtue of my height, I will be the next big thing in the company. Well, sorry to disappoint you jokers, but I am the exception to the company’s norm.

I would like to share an incident which I will never forget for its combination of sarcasm and humour was when a Chinaman remarked to me several years ago that there were only 2 types of people that he feared, The Hooked-Nose and The Shorties.

If you ever wonder whether I would consider going under the knife to increase my height, my answer is a resounding “NO” because I’ve always consoled myself that there are many famous short people who have made names for themselves, some of them are listed below, together with their height measurement:

• Danny DeVito (Actor)                                                     5’0”
• Edith Piaf (Legendary French Singer)                               4’8”
• Voltaire (French Philosopher)                                          5’3”
• Igor Stravinsky (Composer)                                            5’4”
• St. Francis of Assisi (Patron Saint of Animal)                   5’1”
• Pablo Picasso (Painter)                                                   5’4”
• Madonna (Singer)                                                           5’4”
• Deng Xiaoping (former president of China)                      5’0”
• Joseph Stalin (former leader of USSR)                            5’6”
• Martin Scorsese (Director)                                              5’3”
• Marquis de Sade (French Writer & Poet)                        5’3”
• Al Pacino (Actor)                                                            5’6”
• F. Scott Fitzgerald (Novelist)                                          5’7”
• Ludwig V. Beethoven (Composer)                                 5' 3¾"
• Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi                                     5’3”

Public toilets in Malaysia

"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated." - Mahatma Gandhi

I agree with the above statement-hook, line and sinker but no disrespect to one of 20th century greatest icons, I would like to proffer a statement of my own which reads like this:

“The greatness of a nation and its people’s civilisation is judged by the cleanliness (or the lack, thereof) of its public toilets”

Given a choice, Malaysians wouldn’t want to answer call of nature in any other places except their own residences or that of their friends’ or relatives’ due to the deplorable condition of our lavatories, capable of churning one’s stomach. This sets me thinking, why Fear Factor hasn’t subjected its contestants to use public toilets in this country. Yes, it’s that scary!

We may boast to the world for having the Petronas Twin Towers, a state-of-the-art airport and other great amenities but all these come to a nought, negated by our embarrassing public toilets.

We are to blame for the state of our toilets, which have made international news. We take painstaking care with our home toilets but neglect the public ones. To check this rot, it’s incumbent upon our Malaysian government to embark on a major campaign to change people’s attitude towards public toilets. Yes, been there, done that; but to no avail. However, we could have done better by teaching our schoolchildren the importance of toilet cleanliness and complement it with major publicity blitz in media.

Still, they will not be effective until we start to make do without squatting toilets with every new building that is built. Squatting toilet is ancient and has no place in modern society. It may be more hygienic for the user since we do not come into direct contact with the surface but sitting toilet can just be as hygienic if only proper aids are in order. Make sure either alcohol-based lotion or paper-based toilet bowl covers is readily available in order for users to apply on the sits prior depositing. In the absence of these, Malaysians resort to squatting on sitting toilet bowl and cause shoe stains to be semi-permanent feature. What will the foreigners think of us, that we don’t even understand basic decorum? For the uninitiated, squatting on sitting toilet bowl is highly dangerous because it will break under the squatter’s weight and leave deep-piercing wounds.

Our toilets are always flooded and the sight of water on the floor is ungainly. Anyone stepping on puddle of water leaves stains all over the toilet. Water should only be available at the urinal and basin, not in the toilet cubicles. Toilet paper is good enough. Recently, we see positive development as far as usage of water sparingly is concerned. If my memory serves me right, toilets in The Gardens do not have tap in the cubicles. It’s a good start. When we are left with no choice and situation becomes desperate enough, we will just use the toilets, sans water. If we are to travel abroad where toilets are usually clean, you will notice they do not have tap in the cubicles. Once incident opened up my eyes on how Malaysians approach toilet usage. A colleague was in the office and the toilet was clean but he chose to use the one in a petrol station instead, because it had tap whereas there was none in the office’s toilet. And to think of it, the toilet at the petrol station was filthier!

There’s another ugly side to Malaysians which we need to eradicate and that is, being selfish. After using toilets, some people do not bother to make sure the bowl is stainless for other users. We have a lot to learn from the Japanese who always have the next users in mind whenever they use public facilities. On my part, I make sure I won’t leave stains behind. If more Malaysians start shedding their selfish behaviour, I am confident thing will start to change for the better. Towards this end, we need to start doing our part.

Graffiti is also another thing which embarrasses us no end. I felt very angry that toilets in KLCC were defaced with graffiti of racist and sexual statements. To me, the culprits were downright uncivilised and had very poor upbringing. To be fair, lately, I don’t notice graffiti in KLCC toilets anymore. Kudos to the management.

Lastly, there is another thing Malaysians need to change and that is to treat car park basement as toilet. I have seen on numerous occasions, soiled baby diapers conveniently thrown to the ground! Another uncivilised behaviour.

Bouquets for the organiser of Miss World Malaysia 2009 Pageant?

They are more deserving of brickbats, actually. If they think by resorting to certain moronic stunts, they are able to generate good publicity, they have definitely erred big time.

Call me devoid of humour but I genuinely do not find anything remotely funny with one of their promotional clips for the pageant as it reeks of blatant sexism and is so disrespectful. As a matter of fact, the clip is in bad taste and only seeks to tell the whole world how they sorely lack in finesse.

In the clip that is uncalled for, a man is seen walking around in public with a leash held by a woman. Who would have thought that in this day and age where women have achieved greater emancipation, some people have to ruin the good work done by their sisters in the past by coming up with this pathetic and demeaning clip?

I am very sure had the clip been made in such a way that the woman was on the leash held by the man, numerous women’s groups would have been up in arms, raised hue and cry and condemned in the strongest terms imaginable what they see as an attempt to cast their kind as social pariah. If you want respect, you have to earn it. Regretfully, the public is deafeningly muted on this clip. Shame on you, really!

Many years ago, Samantha Schubert appeared for a Bufori advertisement saying something along the line of "I don't care who you are, but if you drive a Bufori, I am all yours." The clamour for it to the ad to be axed was very loud and clear but this time around, people pretend as though the clip is innocuous. What double standards.
Could it be that powerful people are behind the organising of this pageant? I don’t rule that out.

Anyway, I’ve never been a fan of beauty pageants in our country. In two particular pageants, I prophesised before pageants started proper that Elaine Daly and Andrea Fonseka would win and I wasn’t disappointed. It’s so predictable.

Suspicious? I leave it to your wisdom to judge.

Here's the offensive clip:

Malaysian Road Users

Those familiar with the world of literary need no introduction to Robert Louis Stevenson’s successful character, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde which suffers from split personality. It was so successful that today, the phrase “Jekyll and Hyde” means someone who displays good and evil personalities alternately.

In Malaysia, we can find a lot of Jekyll and Hyde on our roads and mind you, they are not fictitious. Generally, we are friendly and warm by nature but the moment we are behind wheel, a different personality takes charge. Incidents of road bully have taken place but would these bullies have vented out the same if they were not driving? Quite unlikely.

Reasons are aplenty on why people lose their cool easily when in their vehicles. A minor incident on the road could be the final straw which breaks the camel’s back after a stressful and difficult day for the vehicle’s occupant. I can think of only 3 factors which lead them to run amok momentarily. The knowledge they are inside the vehicle, hence chances of escaping are higher and that they are anonymous to the “offensive” party. These theories of mine found an ally with a trained psychologist several years ago when he theorised the same in a local newspaper.

To solely blame the person who resorts to road rage is unfair because there are times when other road users can be very annoying and I would like to share with you, certain species found on Malaysian roads.

The “road-hoggers”
Road hoggers like to test other people’s patience by driving at leisurely pace, hogging the express lane as a result, and refuse to give way to other drivers who want to overtake. Some of these selfish imbeciles actually don’t see anything wrong with their antic as long as they keep to the speed limit. If it makes them feel less guilty, they can justify it that way but really, is it very difficult to give way to other people who are in a hurry? People might be in a rush due to emergency, all right?! Congested highways during long festive season can be partly attributed to the road-hoggers. A few years ago, an engineer was killed in the same year he was supposed to get married. What did he do to warrant his premature death? He hogged the express lane and refused to budge, drawing his killer’s ire.

The “scared of sunlight” aunty
I notice this is a recent trend. While waiting for traffic light to turn green, these drivers will take shelter under tree branches and leaves. In doing so, they leave a wide gap in front, between their cars and the line. At times, the gap can be so wide that 2 more cars can fill it. What is the implication of this selfish act? When light finally turns green, less cars behind can drive through before the light changes colour. How to spot this category of drivers? I don’t think it’s an unfair generalisation but majority are aunties who wear long sleeves to cover their arms. Some of the more paranoid ones are spotted wearing sunglasses and hats as well. This is my advice to them: “Numbskull, if you think sunlight can melt you, don’t drive until sunset and if you must drive when it’s scorching hot, don’t bloody take shelter! “

The Indicator-phobic No. 1
These drivers like to make other drivers wait in vain at a junction. They are about to turn left but will never indicate to the waiting driver their next move. The result is a frustrated driver who waited for nothing. I wouldn’t want to date this category of driver because she might do the same to you while you are on the bed, expecting something good as she sexily strut her stuff away and the next thing you know, she leaves the room. Frustrated, ain’t it?

The Indicator-phobic No.2
Whereas Indicator-phobic No.1 doesn’t like to use their car’s indicators, Indicator-phobic No.2 doesn’t like to see you putting on your own indicator to notify them of your intention to change lane. Upon seeing your indicator lights up, he will accelerate to close the gap, thus depriving you the chance to switch lane. Funnily enough, when you don’t put on the signal and just change lane, Indicator No.2 will not close the gap and all is well.

The Interceptor No.1 & 2
Imagine yourself driving fast on the express lane and then suddenly, the car on your left swerves into your lane. How about his cousin, Interceptor No.2? He is at a junction and upon seeing your car approaching, drives out nevertheless and to compound matters, do it slowly. I think I need to change my brake pads sooner than later.

The Red-Light Beater
This usually happens when the roads are deserted after midnight. You waited because the traffic light signals you to. When it flashes its green light, of course you heed it but lo and behold, another car just whizzed past you from a different direction, narrowly missing your car by inches. This jackass not only endangers his life but yours as well. If you are a female and reading this, I strongly advise you not to date this kind of driver because who knows what he might still want to do even after telling him you are having period?

The Line Lover
Lines on the road serve a purpose and drivers should confine themselves within the line, not on it. Yet, we have drivers who just love to drive their cars in the middle of the line. Consequently, other drivers don’t have enough space to overtake, either from right or left side.

The “I have the time in the world” drivers
You have been scouring high and low for a parking space in the mall for minutes and your movie is about to start. Suddenly, Lady Luck smiles at you or so you think. You know for a fact that Pak Cik and his family are going to leave as they put all their groceries into the car but they are oh so refine that they have to do things very slowly from opening the boot to getting their arses into the car. When their car finally moves out and you get your chance to park, you realise your movie has just ended.

The Tortoise Pedestrians
This particular species like to take things for granted. Either they think your car will be damaged extensively upon coming into contact with their bodies or they have every reason to believe you don’t dare to knock them down.

The Queue-Jumpers
You approach a long line of cars because traffic light is red and like any civilised drivers, you wait but as soon as the traffic light turns green, Houdini-like drivers suddenly appear out of the blue and put on indicator to tell you they want to cut in ashamedly. They think that by just putting on indicator, they can be forgiven for acting uncivilly. Strangely, these queue-jumpers could be Indicator-phobic No.1 & 2 respectively, at other times.

The Mellow Yellow Drivers
These drivers know there are many cars in front of theirs and traffic is moving bumper to bumper. Still, they will drive into the Yellow Box and block you from turning right into another road. They have this mentality “If I’m going to be caught in a jam, you should too”

The Union of Punters and Busybodies
Many a time, traffic jams are avoidable but owing to this category of drivers, they have to slow down to look even at the most minor of accidents. I wouldn’t be surprised that these drivers’ favourite pastime is to look at paint drying up. Punters, on the other hand, like to take advantage of other people’s misfortune. These drivers won’t even lift their pinky to help the accident victims.

Apart from the 12 kinds of species stated above, I am very sure there are many others I might have overlooked. I hope our Transport Ministry will compel learner drivers and present driving licence holders to undergo a new sensitiser course so as to make our Malaysian roads less stressful to drive on. When this becomes a reality, road bully incidents are bound to decrease.

Singaporean? MY FOOD!

Out of duty as a Malaysian, I feel it is necessary to lend my voice into the tussle that is taking place pertaining to whether Singapore or Malaysia has the rightful claim over certain types of food as its own.

Much as I admire Singapore for its achievements since gaining independence 44 years ago, I don’t think they are rich, culture-wise. After all, history shows how they benefited a lot from things Malaysian. For a start, many of their former ministers in Lee Kuan Yew’s early cabinet were Malaysians, not to mention their bureaucrats and professionals as well. This is the truth.

Lest we forget, we came up with the idea of conquering Mount Everest, bringing in giant Ferris wheel, hosting big sporting events like the Commonwealth Games and F1 race. Then, they just conveniently took the cues from us.

Speaking of Mount Everest, I read somewhere that one of their climbers was actually a Malaysian. That aside, they also have a peculiar habit of naturalising foreign sportspeople to represent the country and when these foreign born achieve something notable, they make a big hoo-hah. Remember how they raved enthusiastically about their women table tennis team that won silver medals in the 2008 Beijing Olympics? The players, Li Jia Wei, Feng Tian Wei and Wang Yuegu were all born in China

With all these, it gives me reason to believe that they too, adopted Bak Kut Teh, Nasi Lemak, Hainanese Chicken Rice and Laksa. Admittedly, what they have been doing well in recent years was their Government’s relentless campaign to promote these dishes internationally as their own while we sat back and did nothing about it.

Now that Datuk Seri Dr Ng Yen Yen finally sees the need to identify these dishes as our own, I warmly welcome this publicity that she is generating and stop Singapore in their track to always claim they are the originator of the dishes. I say it’s better late than never.

However, if they are still adamant that these dishes originated from Singapore, I don’t think we should waver in staking our own claim. It’s still a win-win move for us, rather than allowing Singapore to be the sole claimant. After all, both countries do share a lot of things in common. Why not, share credit on food as well?

Vernacular Schools, Boon or Bane?

Of all countries in the South East Asian region, Malaysia is a distinctive case where there are 3 different streams of schools in its education set-up, catering to the respective major races. Naturally, this phenomenon doesn’t sit well amongst some people with misplaced feelings of nationalism who see this uniqueness to be a great impediment to solid nation-building but as a dispassionate observer, I strongly disagree on their premise.

A case in point, I am a product of national school where medium of instruction is in the majority language, Bahasa Malaysia. No doubt, I had an early head-start in socialising with students of various races and we became good friends, thus giving me a better understanding of fellow Malaysians. Looking back, I enjoyed my schooling years very much.

During that time, I was a discriminatory child for I grew up showing contempt to the Chinese educated students due to their overall weaker command of English and Bahasa Malaysia. On top of that, I was under the mistaken belief that they had a less than worldly view of things. Only after leaving school, did I realize my puerile thought had no basis because in reality, these students are made of sterner stuff particularly in areas of resilience, discipline, humility and most of all, character. Additionally, their arithmetic skills have been acknowledged to be far superior to their national schools’ counterparts.

Back to those who oppose the presence of vernacular schools on the pretext of it being a stumbling block to greater national unity. Either these critics are genuinely ignorant or choose to conveniently ignore the bigger issues affecting national cohesiveness. While in school, I wrote countless of essays espousing the greatness of our country where people respect each other and we live in perfect harmony. I admit I was very patriotic; not that I’m any less, nowadays. However, I received the first dose of reality tinged with shock and bitterness upon discovery that the intake of students into local higher institutions of learning is not based on absolute meritocracy. Students who performed less admirably were readily admitted into universities at the expense of their peers who scored better by the virtue of the race they were born as. Not only that, MARA institutes of learning are virtually filled by students of a particular race. And to think of it, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Therefore to say with the abolishment of vernacular schools, greater national unity can be achieved is just a misleading notion. Eventually people will still feel aggrieved when they leave school, so long the root causes are not fixed.

I believe vernacular schools are needed by Malaysia more than ever, now that China and India are on the rise. Malaysians need to be at least conversant in either Mandarin or Tamil to engage with the citizens of these 2 rising giants because we will reach a point in time when these two nations will present us with business opportunities. One may argue that Hindi is spoken more widely in India but who is to say with certainty that when India advances as a whole, its Tamil Nadu state will not progress accordingly? With our sizeable communities of Malaysians with Chinese and Indian descents and the vernacular schools they are educated in, we will have the edge over our other Asian neighbours when China and India finally make their mark at world stage. Therefore, it makes economic sense to maintain vernacular schools in Malaysia. As it is, the younger generation of Vietnamese and Thais can converse in Mandarin. Given the high stakes, surely we don’t want to be left behind.

Let’s be reminded that we are now paying for our past mistake in relegating the importance of English language when in the past, our earlier generations possessed better command of the language, thanks to English medium schools, which have now been confined to the history books. I doff my hat to the Malay and Indian parents who have the foresight to send their children to vernacular schools. They are doing a great service to their children and I am embarrassed no end whenever young Malay children speak flawless Mandarin to me and I am unable to reply! Being multilingual has many benefits and numerous studies done have confirmed this. I don’t believe at all that by being educated in vernacular schools, they will turn out to be less Malay. In fact, more and more Malays are sending their children to vernacular schools.

To further allay our fears, compared to the Pre-Independence years, our vernacular schools have ceased to adopt the syllabuses of the countries of origin. Instead, what we have now is a uniform syllabus with emphasis on nation-building. The only difference lies in the medium of instruction.

For the sake of pragmatism, let us not cast a bad light on vernacular schools anymore.

Till Death Do I Treat You Well

I was pleasantly surprised that instead of brickbats, my last post entitled “Idiocy of Chinese Traditional Wedding” garnered support from readers. Emboldened by this positive development, I am going to shift my attention to Traditional Chinese Funeral.

Those who have lived here long enough will notice that among different communities in Malaysia, Chinese funeral is the grandest of all. Actually, this is something I’m not proud at all since I see no logic whatsoever why it should be held on a grand scale, complete with burning of effigies.

The only happy people are probably the deceased’s next-of-kin and without shadow of a doubt, the undertakers and sellers of prayer paraphernalia who will laugh all the way to the bank. You see, death equals big business, at least to the Chinese community!

I know not only do I sound highly offensive but insensitive as well for stating that the surviving family members are contented, safe in the knowledge they have sent their loved one on his final journey with much fanfare.

Really, is there a necessity to spend so much money on a funeral? It is not that the person lying inside the coffin knows a pompous send-off takes place in his honour. I will tell you what is more practical, it is giving first class treatment to the deceased while he was still alive and not only when he has croaked.

Below are some possible reasons why a majestic funeral takes place:

It is believed that an elaborate funeral will benefit the deceased’s descendants
This beggars belief, how can the deceased bless his descendants if during his lifetime, he was not well-treated? There are even some who expect their dead relative to give them sudden windfall by performing acts of miracle i.e. combination of numbers appearing so that the living can place bets at the gambling outlets.

It is an opportune time to show off the surviving members’ wealth
It goes without saying that grandiose funeral requires a lot of money and by holding one, it is a form of advertisement to tell others, “Hey, not only am I rich, I am also filial.”

Don’t want to be haunted by the deceased
I know this sounds funny but it is a possibility, nevertheless; especially those who didn’t treat the deceased well while he was still alive. So, by performing a grand send off, it is hoped past deeds are forgotten.

Apart from the above, I remain unconvinced that anything we burn here as offering to the dead can be transferred to the netherworld. However, credit must be given to the makers of such prayer paraphernalia for their ingenuity. If you have seen satellite dish, decoder, laptop, modem or designer handbag made of paper, you will understand why I applaud their ingenuity. It never fails to amuse me whenever I come across these things in the shop.

When it comes to death, I can relate to Buddha’s teachings better for it stresses simplicity when holding funeral and in order for the deceased to gain merits in the netherworld, it is incumbent upon the descendants to perform acts of kindness.

On hindsight, I would think money should be better spent on donating to the needy, instead of lavishing on funeral.

Malaysia & Singapore: A Tale of Two Countries

To paraphrase the former president of Indonesia, B.J. Habibie, Singapore is just a little red dot in South East Asia, obviously a disparaging remark to the miniscule size of its neighbour. Small it may be but there’s no denying Singapore’s rise from a Third World country to a First World country, all within a span of 1 generation is nothing short of spectacular and only serves as an invaluable lesson in governance to the rest of the world.

When Singapore was unceremoniously dumped from the Federation of Malaysia on 9th August 1965, its future looked bleak but instead of wallowing in self-pity, the country sought to modernise and prove her naysayer wrong. That their eventual attaining of such a status is no coincidence despite the lack of natural resources found within her shores.

What Singapore has are its people, which they harness to full potential. When the British left Singapore, it was bequeathed with top-notch civil service, a legal system that is modelled after the English system and the knowledge of the English language amongst its masses. These prove to be very useful in building the country to greater heights via foreign investments.

Malaysia too, had these in place when we achieved Independence from the British in 1957 but the differences we witness today in both countries couldn’t have been starker. We too, used to have top class civil service comparable to that of Singapore’s but we have failed to capitalise on it. Undeniably, Malaysians face overarching obstacles when dealing with various government agencies either due to bureaucratic red tape, foot dragging and overall ineffectiveness of the system. If her denizens face this problem on a day-to-day basis, it stands to rationalise that foreign investors too are equally frustrated by the lethargic work culture that has been entrenched.

On the Malaysian legal fraternity, we were held in high regards by the international community but we had to wreck it with the sacking of Tun Salleh Abbas in 1988. Since the sacking, our courts have failed to recover and what we have now is a shadow of its former self. The consequence of this is that the Malaysian Judiciary is now subservient to the Executive. Needless to say, foreign investors’ confidence in the Malaysian rule of law takes a beating as well.

As for the English language; our command of it was impeccable in the region; which, perhaps only the Philippines and Singapore could match but due to misplaced nationalistic fervour, the powers-that-be saw it fit to relegate it to the periphery in favour of Bahasa Malaysia. The missionary schools which had churned out the brightest minds using English as the medium of instruction were converted to national type giving birth to the current generation of graduates whose mastery of English is pathetic, to say the least. And we dare to wonder why our graduates are unemployable. Only now are we trying to check the rot but the devastating damage has been done and other countries in the region like Thailand, Vietnam, China and Indonesia have overtaken us in placing the English language at the forefront of their development. This is a classic case of too little, too late. To rub salt to injury, people who are the ambassadors of Malaysia like politicians, civil servants and professionals embarrass us no end when representing the country on the international stage with their broken English.

While Singapore embraces meritocracy, our country treats it like a plague to be avoided at all costs. How else do you explain the showing of our universities which keep on sliding in the ranking of worldwide universities? I dare say that so long we base our university intake on the colour of skin; our higher institutions of learning will never recover. It is precisely this racialist system of governance that we have so many deadwood in the government agencies and government linked companies, safe in the knowledge that their interests will always be protected, come what may. What benefits only a privileged few drives the country downhill in the longer run when truly capable Malaysians who feel they are discriminated against, leave in droves for pastures green in other countries. The main beneficiary of this exodus is Singapore who readily welcomes these Malaysian “outcasts” into their fold. Before Singapore was estranged from Malaysia, we had the same university in University of Malaya but after separation, we branched out and maintain the same name with our very own institution but our southern neighbour, changed its name to National University of Singapore. Though these 2 universities share the same history but their university is now famous for its high standards and we are nowhere near theirs, as evident by the annual universities ranking and people’s perception.

Our brain drain is their gain. Singapore is where she is today, thanks largely to the contribution of former Malaysians. Amongst some higher profile former Malaysians who helped build Singapore are Toh Chin Chye (former Deputy Prime Minister), Goh Keng Swee (another former Deputy Prime Minister), the late Hon Sui Sen, Yong Pung How (former Chief Justice of Singapore), the late Devan Nair (former President of Singapore), the late Sinnathamby Rajaratnam (born in Sri Lanka but raised in the then Malaya) and many others.

Singaporeans know it all too well that Malaysians play very important roles in shaping Singapore’s exponential growth and this stems from the fact that Malaysia suffers from acute case of brain drain. As of now, Singapore still receives professional migrants who contribute immensely to their economy. Malaysia, on the other hand, defies logic by readily admitting Indonesians of lower or virtually no skills and makes it difficult for foreign professional spouses married to Malaysians to be granted citizenship. Here are 2 countries with very contrasting viewpoints when it comes to neutralising foreign nationals’ citizenship.

On the corruption front, year in and year out Singapore occupies within the top 10 tier in the Transparency International’s Corruption Perceptions Index (CPI). What about Malaysia? Prior to Tun Abdullah Ahmad Badawi’s “retirement”, the anti corruption agency, known previously as Anti Corruption Agency (ACA) was given a new lease of life with a change of name to The Malaysia Anti-Corruption Agency (MACC) and touted to model after Hong Kong’s highly prestigious ICAC. To date, Malaysians are not convinced of the change for it is not independent since it comes under the purview of the Home Ministry and not answerable to the Parliament. Lim Guan Eng, the Chief Minister of Penang remarked rather sarcastically that it’s akin to just an old wine being poured into a new bottle. Barely a year into the change, the body is now grappling with image-related issues pertaining to its impartiality starting from the discovery of a dead body within its premises, perception of selective persecution and more recently, damaging allegations of adopting torture methods. Lee Kuan Yew was interviewed once on CNN what advice he would dispense to countries with high incidents of corrupted practices and his answer left a long lasting impression on me. To him, in order to put this scourge under control, it is of no use to go after the fringe players, what’s more effective is to start going after the big fish because as it will then put fear into the rest that corruption doesn’t pay. Whether we agree or not with his view, Singapore has proven itself. The implications of a country which tolerates corruption in high places are very damaging. It makes little sense that a former Menteri Besar could afford to live in a palatial bungalow.

As for crime, I am convinced most Malaysians live under the fear of possible crimes committed against them and I wager that all of us would have fallen victims to crimes at one stage of our lives or at least know of friends and relatives who have been “criminally outraged”. Do we feel safe moving about in Malaysia, night and day? The answer is obvious. Whenever I visit Singapore, I tend to throw caution to the wind and walk confidently knowing well chances of being robbed or assaulted are low. If Malaysians do not feel safe in their own country, how inspired do you think foreigners feel when they are here? Remember, words-of-mouth can either break or make a reputation. Negative feedback from those who have been victims of crimes will form an unflattering view of our country.

When it comes to cohesiveness among citizens of different races, I look at the Singaporean model with envy. I may be wrong on this but my viewpoint of them as an outsider is positive whereby Singaporeans see themselves as Singaporeans first and their races come secondary. Malaysians, on the other hand, see themselves as Malay, Chinese or Indian first. I don’t fault fellow Malaysians really, since our politicians always differentiate us by race through their policies and incendiary remarks while in Singapore, no one is made to feel alienated. Singapore government has zero tolerance towards those who utter racist remarks and will not hesitate to come down hard on those who try to create ill-will among Singaporeans.

Let us now shift our attention to the public transportation systems in both countries. No prize for guessing which of these 2 systems is more efficiently managed. Theirs works like flawless clockwork and getting around is such a breeze while barrage of complaints by disgruntled Malaysian commuters to the print media are something we have come to expect. Either we always face the constant break-down of trains or they don’t come on time causing great inconveniences. Even the simple act of changing trains is cumbersome as commuters are subjected to the harsh unpredictability of Malaysian weather; our Sentral in Brickfields automatically comes to mind. It makes no sense for commuters to walk for quite a distance to board another train. Our planners just failed to think thoroughly before embarking on this project. Period.

I could go on and rattle off how we pale in comparison to our Southern neighbour in many other areas but crux of the matter is, I do love this country of ours called Malaysia and yearn to see us bettering them. Let me set the record straight once and for all, we are not inferior to them because Malaysians are of the same stock as Singaporeans. In fact, our potential is vaster than theirs. We have more people and more importantly, we are blessed with natural resources. The only thing I can think of in which they have an edge over us is the strategic location the country finds itself in.

I make no apologies for always comparing ourselves to Singapore because it once used to be part of Malaysia and that we share so many similarities. The fundamental difference lies in the way both countries are governed.

The idiocy of Chinese traditional wedding

There are several things about this kind of wedding which never failed to get on my nerves and it is not because I am a sour grape for being single at this advanced age.

Far from being accused as a bigot or culturally insensitive, I really detest the dispensable part where the poor bridegroom and his entourage of brothers are subjected to unnecessary humiliation, time wastage, frustration and stress when they attempt to collect the bride.

Rest assured that upon reaching the bride’s residence, her selected friends (“chi-muis”) will stand guard behind the locked gates, grilles and doors to sadistically demand the guys to perform all sorts of mindless and insulting acts before they are allowed to go past the barricades and collect the bride. Of course being the typical materialistic Chinese that they are, they will also opportunistically ask for money. What a convenient way to boost their coffers.

The acts are usually symbolic under the pretext of testing the bridegroom’s love for his wife. Girls, please come to your senses, do you have to do this? If he doesn’t love her, why would he ask for her hand in the first place? Most often than not, the groom and his friends will have to either eat or drink the girls’ concocted food and drinks that tortuously stimulate our tongues’ taste-bud. Have mercy on us!

For those who are about to go through this ritual, I will share 2 ways to avoid yielding to their antics. First of all, you can choose to just sit outside and do nothing because clock ticks away and by a certain hour, the bride will have to leave the room and follow you to your house anyway, as any further delay will not be auspicious; according to Chinese beliefs. The other one is to bring along an insect aerosol can and when your patience has reached its limit, duly spray the contents under the room door. This is a sure-fire way to get all the occupants to open the door in no time.

To be honest, initially I had the impression that this was a fairly recent phenomenon because most of my relatives who got married didn’t incorporate this into their wedding, not until I clarified with my friends that I realise we had this all along. Boy, am I glad my relatives didn’t have this or else I would be bored to death. When I finally meet my match sent from above, you can bet your bottom Ringgit that I will try to coax her out of this shenanigan.

Next on my list of pet hate regarding Chinese wedding is the need to invite a professional, for the lack of suitable term; I shall call them clown. This clown is ubiquitous in most Chinese weddings, tends to talk non-stop and frankly speaking, I think they are so out of place in today’s world. Do you genuinely believe that by spewing some “pleasing to the ears” phrases, the couples would live happily ever after? That being the case, there wouldn’t be Chinese divorcees in Malaysia today. The naivety of some people really stumps me.

Not to be outdone, I have to put up with the inconsiderate wedding dinner guests who are always tardy in showing up for the couple’s big day. I think this ugly trait is something unique to us, the Malaysian Chinese. I remember not too long ago, MCA embarked on a noble campaign to educate the local Chinese to be punctual for wedding dinners. Unsurprisingly, they have failed. Two factors lead these inconsiderate guests to show up late deliberately. First, they don’t want to be seen as greedy by arriving early. What kind of sick mentality is this? The second factor is because these people think it’s worthless to go there early because the rest will show up late anyway.

Last but not least, while dinner is underway, there will be many people going to the stage to spoil our dinner experience by croaking out loud. These amateurish singers think they are so talented in the singing department that they have to make a spectacle of themselves and in the process, torture my failing eardrums.

Still, Malaysian Chinese is more civilised than our counterparts in Taiwan and Hong Kong because I’ve been told by reliable sources that the wedding dinner organisers there will unashamedly open up your red packets in your presence and proceed to announce out loud the amount of money you have given them.

I pray hard we won’t go down the same path because if we do, I will definitely not attend any Chinese wedding dinner anymore.

Tough finding love? Help is here

Since young, we have been constantly told by our parents, teachers and friends that in order to excel, you need to learn from the wise. Correct? Well, I’ve a confession to make because I’m not an archetype of success when it comes to love. However, that doesn’t mean that I won’t be effective in dispensing advice on how to win girls’ heart.

I’ve hit the wall far too many times for me to remember and recently, I came into realization that in order to succeed, avoid doing what I always did and still do.

The following are some pointers which are by no means, exhaustive:

If you’re childish, act bloody matured and irresistibly cool
Initially, while going out with the girl of your dreams, refrain from talking animatedly and comically even though you are getting very excited with the positive signals shown by your potential victim. I know the temptation to remove whatever inhibitions is great but for Heaven’s sake, don’t! Neither should you give yourself away too much by talking incessantly because the more you talk, your cover will be blown and she will detect how child-like you are in no time. Secrets like how much you like hugging teddy bears while sleeping and that you follow Sesame Street religiously might be blurted out if you talk too much.

Instead, talk in a low tone and slowly. Additionally, look into her eyes and never blink when both of you are talking. If at anytime, you feel like coughing or sneezing, you must to it stylishly; unlike a typical Chinaman who feels he has to let the whole world know what he is doing.

Try to imagine James Bond acting all excited and I bet my bottom dollar, there won’t be sex scenes for us anymore. There’s a reason why he always beds girls and with the greatest of ease too.

Be mysterious
Ever wonder why U2 is hugely successful? To a certain extent, their hit “Mysterious Ways” helps them. Problem with me is that all total strangers read me like an open book.
Girls are attracted to guys who don’t reveal much about them because it piques their interest to find out more about what kind of person you are and what interests you, apart from sex, that is.

In trying to glean more information about you, they will go out with you another time.

How to be mysterious? Easy, just talk less.

Listen more and talk less
Undeniably, girls are talking machines and when 2 people go out together, if they get into a competition to see who talks more, who is going to do the listening? Also, the fairer gender will feel threatened if you talk too much because they will think that you are encroaching into their domain. On the other hand, listen intently to understand her better and give you the chance to talk as well, in relation to what she has just told you.
If at anytime you feel that she is talking too much, you may shut off your mind but please maintain that look of interest. Intersperse your slight nodding by making that “mmm hmm” sound. That way, she will think of you as a good listener.

Don’t be a Hokkien
Hokkiens are awfully stingy and such people usually don’t get their carrot. For the first few times, don’t bring her to hawker centres or places without air-conditioner. Refrain from suggesting that she foots the bill or share the burden of paying.

When the waiter comes with the bill, remove your platinum card (if you have any) from the wallet and flash it for 2 seconds before handing it to the waiter. If you don’t have such card, go ahead and pay using cash but no exact amount please because you are expected to leave tips to the waiter when he passes you the change. This way, you show her that you are oh so generous to the people who work hard yet earn less than you. Whenever possible, smoke cigars to show that you have exquisite taste and are sophisticated.

If you think your modest financial standings don’t permit you to spend generously, conceal it from her. Spend first and worry later.

You are a softie but by all means hide this fact and act like one tough nut
“Bad guys get all the girls” and “Good guys finish last” resonate very well when it comes to getting the girls. There’s a reason why goody two shoes find it tougher to get hot girls compared to their more notorious but successful counterparts. You like to read? It’s a good trait but you don’t need to let her know yet at this embryonic stage. If you are not Bill Gates or Stephen Hawking, projecting a nerd image won’t bolster your chances.

Girls secretly admire guys who can give them a solid sense of security, never mind the fact that those guys could be acting tough. Ms. Ivy Josiah of Women’s Aid Organisation (WAO) is not going to take this good-naturedly but I am going to imply nevertheless.
Why do some women still stick around with their male partners even though they are abused, either through physical or verbal violence? Go figure that out.
There’s a bit of masochism in all of us.

Be a braggart
Blow your own trumpet and before long, she will help to blow yours. Talk big, the bigger the better but don’t go overboard and say you are the real Spiderman who successfully climbed our Twin Towers because even though girls like guys with achievements, they can smell a rat when you blow too hard. I don’t usually like people to add spices into their stories but in this circumstance, it is vital you sell yourself well. Make sure to make your tall stories sound believable.

Be generous with your money but not your praises of her
Who doesn’t like to be flattered? Girls are no exception; they want to feel nice and special. Towards that end, praise her but do it sparingly. I discourage you to praise her no end because in the long run, it will work to your disadvantage. I will tell you why. Overdose of good things yield mixed results, much like over-intake of sugar leads to diabetes. Save up your other praises to be used for other days.

There you go, the 7 points stated above are what I can share with you at this stage but if any one of you has other ideas, please don’t keep your knowledge to be brought into the netherworld. Share with us!

Remember, try not to be like yours truly who shines brightly in the talking department but falls miserably short in the listening department. If you think this is bad enough, I also happen to be a quintessential Hokkien who doesn’t know how to brag, is a softie, always acts like a retard, praise girls sky-high but don’t have a landing pad for them and am so transparent with everyone that people find looking at grass growing is more interesting than spending time with me.

Good luck and do invite me to your wedding dinner.