Sunday, September 20, 2009

Malaysia & Singapore: A Tale of Two Countries




To paraphrase the former president of Indonesia, B.J. Habibie, Singapore is just a little red dot in South East Asia, obviously a disparaging remark to the miniscule size of its neighbour. Small it may be but there’s no denying Singapore’s rise from a Third World country to a First World country, all within a span of 1 generation is nothing short of spectacular and only serves as an invaluable lesson in governance to the rest of the world.

When Singapore was unceremoniously dumped from the Federation of Malaysia on 9th August 1965, its future looked bleak but instead of wallowing in self-pity, the country sought to modernise and prove her naysayer wrong. That their eventual attaining of such a status is no coincidence despite the lack of natural resources found within her shores.

What Singapore has are its people, which they harness to full potential. When the British left Singapore, it was bequeathed with top-notch civil service, a legal system that is modelled after the English system and the knowledge of the English language amongst its masses. These prove to be very useful in building the country to greater heights via foreign investments.

Malaysia too, had these in place when we achieved Independence from the British in 1957 but the differences we witness today in both countries couldn’t have been starker. We too, used to have top class civil service comparable to that of Singapore’s but we have failed to capitalise on it. Undeniably, Malaysians face overarching obstacles when dealing with various government agencies either due to bureaucratic red tape, foot dragging and overall ineffectiveness of the system. If her denizens face this problem on a day-to-day basis, it stands to rationalise that foreign investors too are equally frustrated by the lethargic work culture that has been entrenched.

On the Malaysian legal fraternity, we were held in high regards by the international community but we had to wreck it with the sacking of Tun Salleh Abbas in 1988. Since the sacking, our courts have failed to recover and what we have now is a shadow of its former self. The consequence of this is that the Malaysian Judiciary is now subservient to the Executive. Needless to say, foreign investors’ confidence in the Malaysian rule of law takes a beating as well.

As for the English language; our command of it was impeccable in the region; which, perhaps only the Philippines and Singapore could match but due to misplaced nationalistic fervour, the powers-that-be saw it fit to relegate it to the periphery in favour of Bahasa Malaysia. The missionary schools which had churned out the brightest minds using English as the medium of instruction were converted to national type giving birth to the current generation of graduates whose mastery of English is pathetic, to say the least. And we dare to wonder why our graduates are unemployable. Only now are we trying to check the rot but the devastating damage has been done and other countries in the region like Thailand, Vietnam, China and Indonesia have overtaken us in placing the English language at the forefront of their development. This is a classic case of too little, too late. To rub salt to injury, people who are the ambassadors of Malaysia like politicians, civil servants and professionals embarrass us no end when representing the country on the international stage with their broken English.

While Singapore embraces meritocracy, our country treats it like a plague to be avoided at all costs. How else do you explain the showing of our universities which keep on sliding in the ranking of worldwide universities? I dare say that so long we base our university intake on the colour of skin; our higher institutions of learning will never recover. It is precisely this racialist system of governance that we have so many deadwood in the government agencies and government linked companies, safe in the knowledge that their interests will always be protected, come what may. What benefits only a privileged few drives the country downhill in the longer run when truly capable Malaysians who feel they are discriminated against, leave in droves for pastures green in other countries. The main beneficiary of this exodus is Singapore who readily welcomes these Malaysian “outcasts” into their fold. Before Singapore was estranged from Malaysia, we had the same university in University of Malaya but after separation, we branched out and maintain the same name with our very own institution but our southern neighbour, changed its name to National University of Singapore. Though these 2 universities share the same history but their university is now famous for its high standards and we are nowhere near theirs, as evident by the annual universities ranking and people’s perception.

Our brain drain is their gain. Singapore is where she is today, thanks largely to the contribution of former Malaysians. Amongst some higher profile former Malaysians who helped build Singapore are Toh Chin Chye (former Deputy Prime Minister), Goh Keng Swee (another former Deputy Prime Minister), the late Hon Sui Sen, Yong Pung How (former Chief Justice of Singapore), the late Devan Nair (former President of Singapore), the late Sinnathamby Rajaratnam (born in Sri Lanka but raised in the then Malaya) and many others.

Singaporeans know it all too well that Malaysians play very important roles in shaping Singapore’s exponential growth and this stems from the fact that Malaysia suffers from acute case of brain drain. As of now, Singapore still receives professional migrants who contribute immensely to their economy. Malaysia, on the other hand, defies logic by readily admitting Indonesians of lower or virtually no skills and makes it difficult for foreign professional spouses married to Malaysians to be granted citizenship. Here are 2 countries with very contrasting viewpoints when it comes to neutralising foreign nationals’ citizenship.

On the corruption front, year in and year out Singapore occupies within the top 10 tier in the Transparency International’s Corruption Perceptions Index (CPI). What about Malaysia? Prior to Tun Abdullah Ahmad Badawi’s “retirement”, the anti corruption agency, known previously as Anti Corruption Agency (ACA) was given a new lease of life with a change of name to The Malaysia Anti-Corruption Agency (MACC) and touted to model after Hong Kong’s highly prestigious ICAC. To date, Malaysians are not convinced of the change for it is not independent since it comes under the purview of the Home Ministry and not answerable to the Parliament. Lim Guan Eng, the Chief Minister of Penang remarked rather sarcastically that it’s akin to just an old wine being poured into a new bottle. Barely a year into the change, the body is now grappling with image-related issues pertaining to its impartiality starting from the discovery of a dead body within its premises, perception of selective persecution and more recently, damaging allegations of adopting torture methods. Lee Kuan Yew was interviewed once on CNN what advice he would dispense to countries with high incidents of corrupted practices and his answer left a long lasting impression on me. To him, in order to put this scourge under control, it is of no use to go after the fringe players, what’s more effective is to start going after the big fish because as it will then put fear into the rest that corruption doesn’t pay. Whether we agree or not with his view, Singapore has proven itself. The implications of a country which tolerates corruption in high places are very damaging. It makes little sense that a former Menteri Besar could afford to live in a palatial bungalow.

As for crime, I am convinced most Malaysians live under the fear of possible crimes committed against them and I wager that all of us would have fallen victims to crimes at one stage of our lives or at least know of friends and relatives who have been “criminally outraged”. Do we feel safe moving about in Malaysia, night and day? The answer is obvious. Whenever I visit Singapore, I tend to throw caution to the wind and walk confidently knowing well chances of being robbed or assaulted are low. If Malaysians do not feel safe in their own country, how inspired do you think foreigners feel when they are here? Remember, words-of-mouth can either break or make a reputation. Negative feedback from those who have been victims of crimes will form an unflattering view of our country.

When it comes to cohesiveness among citizens of different races, I look at the Singaporean model with envy. I may be wrong on this but my viewpoint of them as an outsider is positive whereby Singaporeans see themselves as Singaporeans first and their races come secondary. Malaysians, on the other hand, see themselves as Malay, Chinese or Indian first. I don’t fault fellow Malaysians really, since our politicians always differentiate us by race through their policies and incendiary remarks while in Singapore, no one is made to feel alienated. Singapore government has zero tolerance towards those who utter racist remarks and will not hesitate to come down hard on those who try to create ill-will among Singaporeans.

Let us now shift our attention to the public transportation systems in both countries. No prize for guessing which of these 2 systems is more efficiently managed. Theirs works like flawless clockwork and getting around is such a breeze while barrage of complaints by disgruntled Malaysian commuters to the print media are something we have come to expect. Either we always face the constant break-down of trains or they don’t come on time causing great inconveniences. Even the simple act of changing trains is cumbersome as commuters are subjected to the harsh unpredictability of Malaysian weather; our Sentral in Brickfields automatically comes to mind. It makes no sense for commuters to walk for quite a distance to board another train. Our planners just failed to think thoroughly before embarking on this project. Period.

I could go on and rattle off how we pale in comparison to our Southern neighbour in many other areas but crux of the matter is, I do love this country of ours called Malaysia and yearn to see us bettering them. Let me set the record straight once and for all, we are not inferior to them because Malaysians are of the same stock as Singaporeans. In fact, our potential is vaster than theirs. We have more people and more importantly, we are blessed with natural resources. The only thing I can think of in which they have an edge over us is the strategic location the country finds itself in.

I make no apologies for always comparing ourselves to Singapore because it once used to be part of Malaysia and that we share so many similarities. The fundamental difference lies in the way both countries are governed.

The idiocy of Chinese traditional wedding




There are several things about this kind of wedding which never failed to get on my nerves and it is not because I am a sour grape for being single at this advanced age.

Far from being accused as a bigot or culturally insensitive, I really detest the dispensable part where the poor bridegroom and his entourage of brothers are subjected to unnecessary humiliation, time wastage, frustration and stress when they attempt to collect the bride.

Rest assured that upon reaching the bride’s residence, her selected friends (“chi-muis”) will stand guard behind the locked gates, grilles and doors to sadistically demand the guys to perform all sorts of mindless and insulting acts before they are allowed to go past the barricades and collect the bride. Of course being the typical materialistic Chinese that they are, they will also opportunistically ask for money. What a convenient way to boost their coffers.

The acts are usually symbolic under the pretext of testing the bridegroom’s love for his wife. Girls, please come to your senses, do you have to do this? If he doesn’t love her, why would he ask for her hand in the first place? Most often than not, the groom and his friends will have to either eat or drink the girls’ concocted food and drinks that tortuously stimulate our tongues’ taste-bud. Have mercy on us!

For those who are about to go through this ritual, I will share 2 ways to avoid yielding to their antics. First of all, you can choose to just sit outside and do nothing because clock ticks away and by a certain hour, the bride will have to leave the room and follow you to your house anyway, as any further delay will not be auspicious; according to Chinese beliefs. The other one is to bring along an insect aerosol can and when your patience has reached its limit, duly spray the contents under the room door. This is a sure-fire way to get all the occupants to open the door in no time.

To be honest, initially I had the impression that this was a fairly recent phenomenon because most of my relatives who got married didn’t incorporate this into their wedding, not until I clarified with my friends that I realise we had this all along. Boy, am I glad my relatives didn’t have this or else I would be bored to death. When I finally meet my match sent from above, you can bet your bottom Ringgit that I will try to coax her out of this shenanigan.

Next on my list of pet hate regarding Chinese wedding is the need to invite a professional, for the lack of suitable term; I shall call them clown. This clown is ubiquitous in most Chinese weddings, tends to talk non-stop and frankly speaking, I think they are so out of place in today’s world. Do you genuinely believe that by spewing some “pleasing to the ears” phrases, the couples would live happily ever after? That being the case, there wouldn’t be Chinese divorcees in Malaysia today. The naivety of some people really stumps me.

Not to be outdone, I have to put up with the inconsiderate wedding dinner guests who are always tardy in showing up for the couple’s big day. I think this ugly trait is something unique to us, the Malaysian Chinese. I remember not too long ago, MCA embarked on a noble campaign to educate the local Chinese to be punctual for wedding dinners. Unsurprisingly, they have failed. Two factors lead these inconsiderate guests to show up late deliberately. First, they don’t want to be seen as greedy by arriving early. What kind of sick mentality is this? The second factor is because these people think it’s worthless to go there early because the rest will show up late anyway.

Last but not least, while dinner is underway, there will be many people going to the stage to spoil our dinner experience by croaking out loud. These amateurish singers think they are so talented in the singing department that they have to make a spectacle of themselves and in the process, torture my failing eardrums.

Still, Malaysian Chinese is more civilised than our counterparts in Taiwan and Hong Kong because I’ve been told by reliable sources that the wedding dinner organisers there will unashamedly open up your red packets in your presence and proceed to announce out loud the amount of money you have given them.

I pray hard we won’t go down the same path because if we do, I will definitely not attend any Chinese wedding dinner anymore.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Tough finding love? Help is here


Since young, we have been constantly told by our parents, teachers and friends that in order to excel, you need to learn from the wise. Correct? Well, I’ve a confession to make because I’m not an archetype of success when it comes to love. However, that doesn’t mean that I won’t be effective in dispensing advice on how to win girls’ heart.

I’ve hit the wall far too many times for me to remember and recently, I came into realization that in order to succeed, avoid doing what I always did and still do.

The following are some pointers which are by no means, exhaustive:

If you’re childish, act bloody matured and irresistibly cool
Initially, while going out with the girl of your dreams, refrain from talking animatedly and comically even though you are getting very excited with the positive signals shown by your potential victim. I know the temptation to remove whatever inhibitions is great but for Heaven’s sake, don’t! Neither should you give yourself away too much by talking incessantly because the more you talk, your cover will be blown and she will detect how child-like you are in no time. Secrets like how much you like hugging teddy bears while sleeping and that you follow Sesame Street religiously might be blurted out if you talk too much.

Instead, talk in a low tone and slowly. Additionally, look into her eyes and never blink when both of you are talking. If at anytime, you feel like coughing or sneezing, you must to it stylishly; unlike a typical Chinaman who feels he has to let the whole world know what he is doing.

Try to imagine James Bond acting all excited and I bet my bottom dollar, there won’t be sex scenes for us anymore. There’s a reason why he always beds girls and with the greatest of ease too.
Be mysterious
Ever wonder why U2 is hugely successful? To a certain extent, their hit “Mysterious Ways” helps them. Problem with me is that all total strangers read me like an open book.
Girls are attracted to guys who don’t reveal much about them because it piques their interest to find out more about what kind of person you are and what interests you, apart from sex, that is.

In trying to glean more information about you, they will go out with you another time.

How to be mysterious? Easy, just talk less.

Listen more and talk less
Undeniably, girls are talking machines and when 2 people go out together, if they get into a competition to see who talks more, who is going to do the listening? Also, the fairer gender will feel threatened if you talk too much because they will think that you are encroaching into their domain. On the other hand, listen intently to understand her better and give you the chance to talk as well, in relation to what she has just told you.
If at anytime you feel that she is talking too much, you may shut off your mind but please maintain that look of interest. Intersperse your slight nodding by making that “mmm hmm” sound. That way, she will think of you as a good listener.

Don’t be a Hokkien
Hokkiens are awfully stingy and such people usually don’t get their carrot. For the first few times, don’t bring her to hawker centres or places without air-conditioner. Refrain from suggesting that she foots the bill or share the burden of paying.

When the waiter comes with the bill, remove your platinum card (if you have any) from the wallet and flash it for 2 seconds before handing it to the waiter. If you don’t have such card, go ahead and pay using cash but no exact amount please because you are expected to leave tips to the waiter when he passes you the change. This way, you show her that you are oh so generous to the people who work hard yet earn less than you. Whenever possible, smoke cigars to show that you have exquisite taste and are sophisticated.

If you think your modest financial standings don’t permit you to spend generously, conceal it from her. Spend first and worry later.

You are a softie but by all means hide this fact and act like one tough nut
“Bad guys get all the girls” and “Good guys finish last” resonate very well when it comes to getting the girls. There’s a reason why goody two shoes find it tougher to get hot girls compared to their more notorious but successful counterparts. You like to read? It’s a good trait but you don’t need to let her know yet at this embryonic stage. If you are not Bill Gates or Stephen Hawking, projecting a nerd image won’t bolster your chances.

Girls secretly admire guys who can give them a solid sense of security, never mind the fact that those guys could be acting tough. Ms. Ivy Josiah of Women’s Aid Organisation (WAO) is not going to take this good-naturedly but I am going to imply nevertheless.
Why do some women still stick around with their male partners even though they are abused, either through physical or verbal violence? Go figure that out.
There’s a bit of masochism in all of us.

Be a braggart
Blow your own trumpet and before long, she will help to blow yours. Talk big, the bigger the better but don’t go overboard and say you are the real Spiderman who successfully climbed our Twin Towers because even though girls like guys with achievements, they can smell a rat when you blow too hard. I don’t usually like people to add spices into their stories but in this circumstance, it is vital you sell yourself well. Make sure to make your tall stories sound believable.

Be generous with your money but not your praises of her
Who doesn’t like to be flattered? Girls are no exception; they want to feel nice and special. Towards that end, praise her but do it sparingly. I discourage you to praise her no end because in the long run, it will work to your disadvantage. I will tell you why. Overdose of good things yield mixed results, much like over-intake of sugar leads to diabetes. Save up your other praises to be used for other days.

There you go, the 7 points stated above are what I can share with you at this stage but if any one of you has other ideas, please don’t keep your knowledge to be brought into the netherworld. Share with us!

Remember, try not to be like yours truly who shines brightly in the talking department but falls miserably short in the listening department. If you think this is bad enough, I also happen to be a quintessential Hokkien who doesn’t know how to brag, is a softie, always acts like a retard, praise girls sky-high but don’t have a landing pad for them and am so transparent with everyone that people find looking at grass growing is more interesting than spending time with me.

Good luck and do invite me to your wedding dinner.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

BEWARE: Scoundrels on the prowl

Today (3rd September 2009), my colleague and I were conned of our money by a couple on motorcycle.

The rider was a bespectacled woman and the passenger, a male accomplice.

They approached us near Jalan Batai (Damansara Heights area) under the pretext of asking for money to help with the man's visible injury.

If you think I was a gullible fool for being taken in by these swindlers, think again.

As much as I hate to acknowledge it, I have to give them due credit for pulling off a very convincing show, which warranted a standing ovation.

The man was bloodied on his hand, supposedly from his thumb. But if you ever had the fortune of coming up, close and personal with him; do take notice that he will conceal his hand and not show it outright to you.

Why is that so, you may ask. I suspect that he was born with a deformed thumb and the blood was conveniently applied all over his hand so as to give their unsuspecting victims the impression that the thumb was badly damaged.

Just in case you are curious; no, they definitely didn't use ketchup nor tomato sauce for the pathetically gory effect. Chicken blood? Possible.

To further convince the soft-hearted people, like yours truly:
1) They rode motorcycle and wore grubby clothes (Would you part your money for couple in jewellery, evening dress and a nice coupe?)
2) They promised to call you back to return the money. (When I asked her for her number, she suggested I gave her, my work address instead)

I handed RM 50 but she asked for extra amount and that was when my colleague also became a sucker and took out his RM 50. All in all, a whopping RM 100.

Back in office, I relayed this to other colleagues and to my unsurprising discovery, one of their friends also fell victim to this couple but in Kelana Jaya, minus the motorcycle. That time, they went up to the office for their performance instead.

Their Unique Selling Proposition:
1) They didn't carry files and show pictures of underprivileged humans to solicit donation from you.
2) They did not wear the monk's robe and go barefooted to ask for money.
3) They did not come to you as beggars.
4) Instead, they gave "shock value" with bloodied hand, warts and all.
5) That guy was crying like a small child.

Now, you can see, the above points really set them apart from the ever increasing competition.

Crying and blood, together they make a potent combination that will surely get people all emotional.

Why do you think great politicians cry in front of millions of people? They don't cry without a reason. Look no further than both the past leaders of Singapore and Malaysia and you will roughly figure out what I mean.

For those who interested in spotting these accomplished actors:
The couple are in their 40's, of Chinese descent and speak Cantonese. The woman will have a nametag of "C.Y. Joo" pinned onto her T-shirt. By now, I'm quite convinced that she picked up the nametag by the roadside because it's in blue, the very same kind of nametag students wear to school!

C.Y Joo, whoever you are, I think you can sue them.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Police Roadblocks are everywhere!


Hari Raya is coming soon and it's common knowledge that prior to festivals, people need money to do shopping.

I've been noticing for years that usually 1 month prior to Hari Raya Puasa, our policemen are very hardworking and dedicated in setting up roadblocks.

Is it because they are worried about our welfare since this is the time where crime rate usually shoots up? While I'm worried for robbers and thugs, I'm equally worried for robbers and thugs in uniform.

While you are travelling, be it long or short distance, please be extra diligent in following the traffic rules. Also, do renew your road tax if it has expired.

Before I end this short note, don't ever make a conclusion that the roadblocks are set up with dubious intention.

Our policemen are a dedicated lot and they will do their utmost to keep crimes at bay including nabbing the Mamak gang who have been known to don police uniform while executing their "duties".

I am very sure that when Raya comes, roadblocks won't be as ubiquitous anymore until the following year, especially a month before the festival.

It's a pattern I've been observing all this while. Have you, too?

I support you, policemen! Still, I will be very careful not to run afoul of the traffic rules

"Wonderful" girls I love to hate


No, I’m not sexist at all. Why should I, when I was brought into this world, by a woman (and a man too, actually)?

In fact, I love the fairer gender to smithereens. Mildly put, world without them is dull.

But there are some girls who cook my raw nerves to well done.

I’ve categorised them as follows:

Materialistic girls
They befriend you on the basis of your fat bank account(s). Their favourite haunt is the nightspot. Some have mastered the skills of segregating the poor from the rich by merely looking at the car key you put on the table. If you don’t drive a woman-magnet car but still want to nail down this particular girl, I advise you to keep your key in a less conspicuous place. After you have done so, try forking out a lot of dough into buying alcohol in abundance. No, beer won’t do it.

Once your order is placed on the table, only then proceed to ask the girl and her cohorts to go to your table.

If you think detecting your car keys is bad, how about those who ask you at point-blank, what car you drive before even getting to know your name?

Tell you something, mate. You can have the girl(s) and I will go back on my own and watch my DVDs.

How I wish my nasty side leads me tell them to look at themselves in the mirror before expecting their male potential suitors to be well-endowed with cash.

Conceited girls
I’ve fallen victim to these girls for far too many times. When I was younger (not long ago), some acquaintances bragged to their friends that I always called them up. Slanderous! Tell me, how did I manage to call when I didn’t even have their contact numbers in the first place?

There are also girls who think they resemble Angelina Jolie that when I try to be friendly with them, I must be harbouring ulterior motives. Get a life! If I want to know you better, doesn’t mean I want to bed you. It’s just that I’m warm by nature.

The supra-arrogant girls
Usually these girls are good looking, or so they think. This gives them a license to be stuck-up and reject any friendly overtures. You may be good looking but I’m not all for looks, all right? There you go; the above are girls who repel me to the dunny.

Not that you are interested to know which type of girls is on top of my favourite list but I will share it with you, anyhow. Drum rolls, please.

The Intellectually-stimulating kind
I simply adore girls who are knowledgeable and can readily engage in thought-provoking discussions. If these girls show a taste for good music and with good family upbringing, they are Goddesses.

Do such girls exist?

Yes, in my dreams. Speaking of which, I’m going to catch forty-winks now.

I'm a polyglot and proud of it


Many foreign nationalities including the mainland Chinese envy Malaysians no end for being multi-lingual. I can speak Hokkien, Cantonese, English and Malay language and still lament the fact that I cannot speak Tamil, Hakka and Chinese.

Still, it’s better than being monolingual. Countless studies have shown the ability to converse different languages is beneficial to one’s mental well-being. On a personal level, this mastery allows me to bitch about someone else in front of the subject without feeling guilty.

Yet, many Malaysians view their ability to speak in languages a liability. Yes, I’m specifically referring to the pretentious people. Indians and Chinese are the culprits. Apart from their family members and childhood friends, no one knows this special ability of theirs.

Why? It’s because they try to project to their other friends that they can only speak in English and nothing else, possibly borne from the skewed thinking that English language gives an image of sophistication and dialects make them seen as somewhat inferior in the eyes of their peers.

I have such friends. Some know Tamil or other Chinese dialects but claim otherwise and to compound matters, they try to speak English with Western accents. Have they no pride in their own heritage?

When I was in Australia, a friend of mine initially feigned ignorance of Cantonese but when she got a boyfriend from Hong Kong, suddenly she could speak the dialect! What a miracle. Alleluia! Needless to say, I see her as bloody pretentious.

Don’t ever mask your linguistic ability because monolingual foreigners really do hold us up in high esteem if you possess such skill.

My advice: If you have it, flaunt and wear it like a badge of honour!