Lowbrow Chinese humour insults intelligence

There are many a great thing about Chinese that are highly admirable and enviable but their sense of humour is certainly not one of those. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a Chinese-hater, far from it.

I enjoyed watching old funny movies from the likes of The Hui Brothers, Karl Maka, Dean Shek, Richard Ng, Raymond Wong Pak-Ming and even Chow Yun Fat. When they were still active in the Hong Kong movie scene, it coincided with the golden era of Hong Kong's film-making; as far as comedies were concerned.

But with the lying low of most veteran stars; from then on, the humour being churned out from Hong Kong degenerated into nonsense comedy (mo lei tau/无厘头). This brand of humour was pioneered by none other than Stephen Chow Sing-Chi.

His overwhelming successes in producing box office movies spawned new generation of film-makers and actors eager to be part of the mindless and slapstick humour which became the rage until today.

Unfortunately, this comes at a great cost as the supposedly funny movies being produced now border on complete idiocy and outrageousness. What's worse, the young generation of Chinese especially those educated in Chinese schools here in Malaysia find these movies very hilarious.

I tried seeing some of these sub-standard movies but sat stony-faced throughout the torturous sessions while my fellow cinema-goers burst out laughing non-stop with tears welling in their eyes at the mind-numbing and downright stupid antics shown by the protagonists in such movies. Frankly speaking, I find their pathetic sense of humour most disconcerting.

I often wonder what the other races think of the Chinese with their low level humour, which they unhesitatingly recycle countless times in different productions. More worryingly, this brand of humour is now all too pervasive even among the Malaysian Chinese as evident by the informal jokes they share with friends. Even our local TV commercials could not escape this outbreak of retardation.

Taste is in the pudding. As such, do view all 4 videos as attached above. You will witness Stephen Chow's hallmarks present in all four advertisements. Those who appreciate the humour in these advertisements, I can only sympathise with them. 

The Star is only half credible.

You would expect our nation's top selling English newspaper to be credible but recently, their report all but confirmed their lack of impartiality.

A Malaysian honours graduate from Melbourne University by the name of  Khairulddin Mohammad Yahya made news in Australia and Malaysia for his unruly behaviour onboard a flight to the Victorian capital.

While The Age, a respectable newspaper reported as it was, our very own The Star saw it fit to report only the half truth.

If one was to read The Star only, he would think this gentleman didn't behave too badly but in reality, what this engineer did in his state of stupor; was not only shameful but also put his fellow passengers in great and unnecessary distress.

Inebriated, he kept on leaving his economy seat to be with his mom in the business class. His choice of words were colourful too,  ''motherf*****'' and to ''f*** all of you''. So uncontrollable was he, that he had to be restrained with handcuff and his ankles tied with tape. This terrorist-like behaviour was very unbecoming of an engineering graduate from one of the top universities in Australia.

Funnily, The Star chose to overlook these important details and even blacked out the part about his state of drunkenness.

The Strangeness of Malaysian Politics

        "Do not forsake your friend or your father’s friend,

                         And do not go to your brother’s house when disaster strikes you;

          Better a neighbour nearby than a brother far away." - Proverb 27:10

"Better be kind at home than burn incense in a far place." - Chinese Proverb

The aforementioned proverbs share the same meaning in that it is more beneficial to have kind neighbours than relatives who live faraway especially in times of emergency.

However, our government seems oblivious to this as they are more interested in safeguarding relationship with the Indonesians rather than with fellow Malaysians; logic being that they are of the same racial stock or what they will favourably term as "serumpun". But most often than not, respect between the two nations is not reciprocal and relationship is not on an even keel.

It has always been mind boggling that our politicians never fail to show excessive deference, obeisance and kow-tow to the Indonesians. Undeniably they are of the same stock but over-sentimentality must stop since Malaysia is a fully independent nation, not the 34th province of Indonesia.

Perhaps, it is with this overt and extreme respect accorded to the Indonesians, they dared to defile our flag, threw faeces at our Malaysian embassy in Jakarta, stopped supplying maids to us and threatened Malaysians with harm. Their media lapped it up by spewing venom at us. Yes we are now in a lull but there is no guarantee the Indonesians will not find fault with us again.

Our politicians should take a cue from America and Australia. Peoples of Anglo Saxon origin in these countries, after emigrating Great Britain; took great pride in their new identity. They do not show extreme and unreasonable deference to their country of origin.

More admiringly, they stopped referring to the British as "Brothers".

Even the Bangladeshis after attaining Independence from Pakistan in a bloody war, now take pride in their newfound identity without holding on too much to emotional baggage.

Alas, our politicians are unable to emulate this. Yet ironically, they have the temerity to accuse the non-Malays that we are distinctive, still identify ourselves as Malaysian Chinese or Malaysian Indians; yet to be fully assimilated into the larger society.

Non-Malay Malaysians are certainly getting a raw deal, aren’t we?

To the politicians, I say get your own house in order first.

Rebutting Dr. M again

I read Dr. Mahathir's post titled "Melayu Oh Melayu" with bewilderment and amusement. Anyone who is familiar with his writings knows he favours writing in English but for this particular piece, it is in the national language, Bahasa Malaysia.
It is patently obvious he intends the conservative Malays to read it. The more conservative they are, the better.

Ignorant readers will not question the contents in this article.Instead, they will readily and blindly accept those as sacred truth.
But here I would like to be the devil's advocate and debunk certain myths he tries to propagate.

First and foremost, in his point no. 5; he readily acknowledges no religion is a specific and definite racial marker to any race before expanding it in point no. 6 that a Chinese could also be a Muslim though majority of them are Buddhists. His implied meaning here is that Buddhism is Chinese in origin.

I am surprised that he, like most people are oblivious to the fact that Buddhism was founded by one of the princes in India.
For his information, like the Malays; majority of Chinese profess religions which were once foreign to them, Islam and Buddhism respectively.

The above could be an honest mistake on his part but as you proceed to read his article, you will realise he asserts his belief that the Malays must be Muslims and if they convert out of the religion, then they cease to be Malays.

I am not encouraging the Malays to leave Islam nor do I dare to even think about it but here we can see our former prime minister's inconsistency in his article. Here I would like to ask two questions:

1. Before Islam came into our shores, the Malay ancestors were Hindus and Buddhists. Were they not Malays?
2. So, only when the later generations converted to Islam, did they suddenly become Malays?

As a person trained in the medical field; he should know better that it is not religion that maketh a man, but his DNA!
Besides, "Religion or Humanity"; which one came first? This is not too difficult a question to ask, unlike the "Chicken and Egg" conundrum.

I have begrudging respect for Dr. Mahathir but I feel it is purely out of political reasons that he wrote this article, not sheer ignorance.
Could it be that he underestimates the Malays' thinking capabilities with this propagandic article?
Politics and Religion cannot and must not be made bedfellows. Otherwise, the consequences would be very dire to a county's development and cohesion among its citizens.

Rebutting Dr. M on Semenanjung Tanah Melayu

It's a crying shame our 4th prime minister of Malaysia, Dr. Mahathir is now a former shadow of himself with his recent views that border on outrageousness and comicality.

Firstly, he tried to ride roughshod over our country's history by implying the Malays have more rightful claim to this country than any other race including even the original inhabitants, Orang Asli.

His audacious attempt at pulling the wool over our eyes must fail since the Malays are undeniably an immigrant race in this country too, much like the Chinese and Indians; only that they settled here earlier.

He may not be wrong on the premise that Malays were the first to put in place a system of government in this country.
Seeking to augment his point, he wilily and craftily quoted several examples of settlers setting up States and Governments in America, Australia, New Zealand and Latin America. Thereupon, the settlers are to be recognised as rightful owners of those lands.

Anyone not familiar with his earlier views may be impressed by this latest argument but taken in a fuller context, it actually rings hollow. Consider the fact he used to make that Malays ran the risk of meeting the same fate as the aborigines in Australia and America if there were no policies that favour the Bumiputeras to shield them from the competition posed by the non-Malays in Malaysia.

Is he trying to promote the idea that if the Malays were the original inhabitants of this land, their rights take precedence over those of other races but since that he now finally acknowledges Malays to be settlers as well, aborigine rights are subservient to the Malay rights? This is a sudden about turn!

He also mischievously took an indirect potshot at the non Malays by stating that immigrants in other countries have stopped identifying themselves as German Americans, Portuguese Australians or Italian Argentineans.

Be that as it may but he must realise that in those countries they do not have outright racist policies compared to Malaysia. With the absence of such regressive policies, surely it makes the assimilation of different races so much easier, no?

Moreover, who really accentuates the racial differences among Malaysians in the first place? Time and again, certain segments of Malaysian populace are being reminded that they are "Pendatang".

I would like to remind Dr. M that in America, persons of immigrant stock can rise to become the President of that nation. Presidents who spring to mind are John F. Kennedy (Irish), Theodore Roosevelt and Franklin Roosevelt (Dutch).

What about in Malaysia?

Dude, are you really Eurasian?

Malaysia is a melting pot of different races. Apart from the 3 major races, which we are all too familiar with; we also have the Kadazans, Muruts, Orang Asli, Dayaks, Eurasians and yang lain lain. This article as its title suggests, is about the Eurasians. Just precisely who are the Eurasians? Simply defined, a Eurasian is a product of mixed parentage between a European and an Asian parent.

But seriously, are all Eurasians; really Eurasians? My bet is that not all of them are. Don't be fooled by certain individuals who profess the Christian faith (especially Roman Catholicism), having surnames like Sta Maria, Fernandez, Gomez and some other Anglicised names at the end, to be Eurasians just because they say so. If you do, you are hopelessly naive.

Many who are Christians and have English sounding names are in fact, different race altogether. In actual fact, these people can only trace their ancestry to a vast country in South Asia. Their forefathers came to Malaya as menial labourers and peons. Majority of them were classless in the caste system, something tied to their religion. As long as they followed the religion they were born into, they would be treated as outcasts by their brethrens who occupy higher strata in the highly discriminating caste system. To escape such an identity marker, some converted to Christianity where the caste system is not present. But just converting to a foreign religion is not enough, they had to completely change their names too. And so they changed their names and adopted the English sounding ones. After changing religion and names, what's left for them to do was to call themselves Eurasians and that's what they did.

Their descendants in turn started calling themselves Eurasians until today.

Chinese Chauvinists should grow up.

Chinese race can be found in almost every part of the world is undeniable due to Chinese Diaspora. Prior to the founding of The People’s Republic of China in 1949, they migrated en masse in search of better lives due to upheavals of various kinds in their motherland.

Many eventually chose to go back to settle down after making good whilst many others decided to take roots in their host countries. What is interesting to note here is the descendants of this migrant Chinese now are not only very different from each other but distinctive too due to the process of acculturation. This brings us to mind the nature vs. nurture argument.

Closer to home, there are also different Chinese and I’m not talking about the various dialect groups they belong to but the Chinese educated and the non Chinese educated groups. This being the case, the former group tends to view their counterpart with unease and disdain because the latter are not seen as Chinese enough. The main point of contention here is the inability of the non-Chinese educated Chinese to speak and read in the Chinese language. This gives rise to the derogatory moniker of “Bananas” given to the non-Chinese educated Chinese, yellow on the outside but white on the inside. Is Chinese literacy the ultimate measurement of whether one is Chinese or not? Frankly, I find this unfortunate viewpoint to be simplistic, shallow, condescending and reek of hypocrisy.

It’s a bold statement on my behalf but nevertheless, one that is not without basis. First of all, we must appreciate the fact that the overwhelming number of Malaysians of Chinese descents belong to the Southern Chinese stock. There are the Teochew, Hainanese, Hakka, Hokkien, Cantonese Chinese, amongst others. Each group speaks their own dialect and I dare say with unshakeable conviction that the Mandarin language is not and can never be categorised as the mother tongue of the Southern Chinese stock.

Historically, Mandarin was a dialect spoken mainly in the northern part and southwestern provinces of China, concentrated mainly in Beijing. As China is a vast country, many dialects are spoken and are mostly intelligible to other Chinese. Unfortunately, many Chinese chauvinists are ignorant of the fact that Cantonese nearly became the China’s official language but was edged by Mandarin by a mere vote in 1911, during the founding of the Provisional Government of the Republic of China after the Xinhai Revolution. The late Dr. Sun Yat-sen, the founder of the modern Republic of China, was a Southern Chinese who wanted Cantonese to be adopted but out of political expediency, he persuaded his countrymen in the Congress to give up Cantonese. The then Mandarin dialect then took precedence. Since then, it gained currency and is now a unifying language that binds the diverse Chinese groups.

Against this backdrop, the Chinese-educated Chinese must not use the command of Chinese language as a yardstick to judge their Chinese illiterate brethren as being less Chinese. If language really was the unquestionable marker of a Chinese race, how can we justify those foreigners who have not a single drop of Chinese blood in them to qualify as ethnic Chinese just because they have impeccable command of the Mandarin language? Between an ethnic Chinese who doesn’t speak and a Negro who speaks Mandarin, who qualifies to be called a Chinese? Since I speak English and Bahasa Malaysia as well, does this mean I’m English and a Malay all at the same time?

The Chinese chauvinists conveniently overlook the fact that there exist the older generation of mainland Chinese who don’t speak, write and read Chinese but they are Chinese nationals nonetheless. Based on this premise alone, these mainland Chinese are surely more Chinese than the Chinese chauvinists we so readily find in Malaysia.

Therefore, in all earnest; I fervently implore these Chinese Malaysian chauvinists to stop judging the so called “Bananas” as being less Chinese because your insistence on doing so will only expose your sheer ignorance.

FACTS ARE STUBBORN THINGS.

Malaysian football supporters are a fickle-minded lot

I don’t know what plagues fellow Malaysians but they sure do like to bask in the limelight by associating themselves with winners and will not hesitate to switch allegiance depending on which club wins.

I am talking about sports in particular, football. This is a football mad country, nothing wrong with that because it is both the most watched and most popular sport in the world. But I have an issue with the local football fans.

Take for instance, Chelsea Football Club. Only recently, they have only become strong, thanks largely to the impressive spending power of their owner, Roman Abramovich who brought in big star players and a big mouthed football manager who has since left to manage Inter Milan in Italy.

This club finally clinched the Premier League title in 2004-05 season, ending the title drought of 50 long years when they last won the 1954-55 season in the then, Football League 1st Division. Overnight, we saw so many Chelsea supporters proudly showing their affiliation with the club through displaying of the club’s merchandise in cars and donning the jersey. Prior to this, were they cooped up in a cave somewhere and only upon their club winning the title, released from the cave? This sounds far-fetched. Therefore, the only plausible explanation is that these supporters are glory hunters.

Another sudden and mysterious emergence of so many fans albeit of a different club was when Arsenal won the league in 1997-98 season and the numbers just multiplied when “The Invincibles” team won the 2003-04 season unbeaten. However, in recent years these so called Gunners are not as ubiquitous as during the club’s glorious years. Ever wondered where they are now? Most of them are Chelsea supporters now. If Manchester United wins this season’s Premiership title, rest assured these supporters will jump ship.

Mark my words, in the future, if Port Vale F.C or Millwall F.C manages to gain promotion to the Premier League and subsequently win the league, many Malaysians will automatically pride themselves as supporters of either club in an instant. Never mind that as of now, they have not heard of these 2 clubs.

Liverpool supporters have my greatest admiration. Even though this club last won the league title when dinosaurs were still roaming the earth, the supporters still stay loyal and proud of it too, until today.

Are all vegetarians kind-hearted souls?

By nature, humans are omnivorous. However, choosing herbivore lifestyle is gaining currency all over the world either due to reason of religiosity, health or compassion towards animals. Undeniably it’s a noble choice to be a vegetarian and no vegetarian should be subjected to unsavoury remarks or being treated insensitively. Hopefully, one fine day, I would also be able to hop into the vegetarian bandwagon after I’ve successfully weaned myself of Bak Kut Teh. Knowing me, it would be a tall order.

For the health freaks, it would be useful to know that being vegetarian is not a sure-fire way to leading a healthier lifestyle. The jury is out whether humans are able to derive maximum benefits out of a diet which is strictly devoid of meat simply for the reason that humans’ diet does require a healthy balance of meat and vegetables intake.
If that’s not convincing enough, the late Linda McCartney was a popular vegetarian who had breast cancer which took her life eventually, so too was Olivia Newton John but the latter survive the cancer scare.

Being compassionate towards animals is also another reason why people choose to shun meat. Adherents of certain religions like Mahayana Buddhism and Hinduism or kind atheists belong to this category. These people believe that animals have every right to live, just like humans do; therefore it’s inhumane to kill them for their meat.
Any visit to the slaughterhouse will confirm this to be true as prior to being killed, it is as if the condemned animals know the fate awaiting them and will put up a struggle. Some even shed tears. It is truly a pitiful sight and definitely not for the faint-hearted. Insensitive this may sound but this morbid visit is highly recommended to those who need an impetus to turn vegetarian instantly.

Many of us have the mistaken view that Buddhist clergies are compelled to be vegetarians. While it is true with the Mahayana tradition (widely practised in East Asian countries like China, Vietnam, Korea and Japan), it is foreign to the Theravadin tradition (widely practised in Sri Lanka, Thailand, Cambodia & Myanmar). In fact, Buddha ate meat and didn’t ban His followers from eating meat. However, He did discourage His followers to kill with the sole intention to partake in the meat; neither did He allow them to commission others to kill on their behalf in order to consume the meat. He went so far as to disallow His believers to work as butchers and that monks must decline to eat meat as offered by the lay-people if they suspect the animal was specifically killed as offering. It goes without saying He taught that there is no basis in sacrificing animals to be offered as prayers. That is why in Buddhism; food of any kind is not offered as prayers. A proof of his seriousness in treating lives as precious is the inclusion of “killing is strictly forbidden” as one of the 5 basic tenets in Buddhism every Buddhist should follow.

What Buddha did is a proof of his compassion but why did he stop short of compelling his followers to only partake in vegetarian food? Come to think of it, it is only natural that if the consumption of meat stops, the killing ends. It is because of what he did not do; his religious order was split when his cousin, Devadatta, also a monk; raised hue and cry that Buddhism should reject meat outright and that monks must not consume meat.
Naturally, one would think Devadatta’s request was not unreasonable.

This knowledge stupefied me for years but my confusion was finally put to rest when I had a discourse on vegetarianism with a senior Theravadin monk in Lunas, Kedah. Regardless of whether one is a vegetarian or otherwise is not a good judgment of one’s character. Some vegetarians are under the illusion that by just eating vegetables, they do not contribute to killing, not realising that pesticide is generously sprayed all over the farm where the vegetables are grown. It is also of no use if one is vegetarian but continues to harbour ill-will towards other human beings.

Back to Devadatta, opposing Buddha on meat-eating was not the only vile acts he committed. Seeing that he failed to gain the upper hand, he resorted to inebriating an elephant named “Nalagiri” to kill Buddha. By so doing, he did 2 acts of cruelty, cruelty to animal and intending to kill another man.
Throughout history, we can also see how some vegetarians embarked on a killing spree from Pol Pot, Charles Manson, Volkert Van der Graaf to Adolf Hitler. The German Fuhrer was even a teetotaller and did not smoke.

How do you love Malaysia? Let me count the ways

Are you one of the many people who are sick of politicians annually questioning the loyalty and patriotism of fellow Malaysians every Merdeka month?

To the politicians, it seems the only way to gauge one’s patriotism is whether she displays Jalur Gemilang (Malaysian flag).This is the most simplistic way of judging nationalistic fervour. Truth be known, flag is sacrosanct to every country and in no way, should we subject it to soot and grime but instead, should always handle it with great protocol and care. Certainly, to garb in it is to show disrespect. Worse still, some ignorant patriots proudly display flag but don’t even know how to fold it or subject it to wear and tear after a certain period of time.

Let me state unequivocally that it is of no point displaying flags but continue to:

1. Condone kickback when handing out contracts or when detaining people for criminal acts.

2. Pit Malaysians against each other through spewing of racist remarks and implementation of policies detrimental to Malaysians of other races.

3. Muzzle the media and subject them to yearly renewal of licence.

4. Unilaterally detain political dissents under the draconian ISA.

5. Ignore all (study or business) loans which have been given.

6. Not granting permission to build places of worship for other religions.

7. Flagrantly commit crimes, no matter how minor.

8. Have double standards by conveniently applying two different laws for people.

9. Deny people legal recourse at secular courts.

10. Dirty public places by leaving rubbish everywhere after having good time at waterfalls.

11. Make political parties the sole domain for certain races.

12. Suppress Malaysians rights to have mature discourse.

Admittedly, there are many Malaysians who do not readily display our flag but that doesn’t mean we are any less patriotic than the flag-waving Malaysians.

Next time before you accuse other Malaysians of not being patriotic enough, it will be helpful to put your own house in order first.

Divide & Rule still prevalent?

History has a habit of being conveniently reinterpreted by victors or those who have gained liberation from their former political masters. When we were impressionably young, our teachers instilled in us that the British were evil because they propagated the “Divide and Rule” system of governance on its Malayan subjects of various races so that we would not stand united to fight against them and in the absence of this unity, the British would be able to tighten their ruling grip on the country.

To further augment their point, our teachers would often cite the classic example of Chinese living in urban areas, Malays in kampongs and the Indians concentrated mainly in rubber plantations. Of course, I accepted this line of argument as sacred truth but inexplicably, it dawned upon me somehow that this could not be a deliberate act by the British. The way I see it now, it’s just a natural development that we lived in different settings then.

Let’s reflect for a moment, before our Chinese and Indian forebears immigrated here, were the towns and estates already in existence? I doubt so. It was only after we extracted tin and tilled the land that the older generations eventually developed the areas they lived in. Consequently, what was a forest transformed into town. If you accept this reasoning as logical, you will realise that we had been accepting blindly what was told to us.

Fast forward to the present, the British had left and we are the rightful masters of our country but the real “Divide and Rule” method is actually taking place now. Look no further than our public higher institutions of learning where the intake of students tilts towards certain people. Apart from that, our politicians always pit fellow Malaysians against each other by their incendiary remarks smacks of racism. Even certain political parties open exclusively to the races they represent; UMNO, MCA and MIC quickly come to mind. On the other hand, regardless of whether you are a Malay, Chinese or Indian, you can always join the DAP or Parti Keadilan Rakyat as members.

Some people just can’t afford to allow Malaysians of all races to be truly united because if we are allowed to, there won’t be any more smokescreens for them to continue plundering the country’s wealth. To my fellow beloved Malaysians; I say this to you, “United We Stand, Divided We Fall. Or should I say, “Bersatu Kita Teguh, Bercerai Kita Roboh”?

"We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools." - Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Waiter, there's a cock in my soup!"

Hearing mouse-like sounds being made in eateries is second nature to anyone who has been living in Malaysia for more than a day.

This disrespectful call to attention by patrons of restaurants is a recent phenomenon, no longer than 15 years, I guesstimate. Seriously, I cringe whenever I hear this sound being made.

Is it because Malaysians generally look down on those who wait at their tables that they have to do this kind of annoying sound when they can always substitute it with a spoken word like “Hello” or “Excuse me”?

Malaysians of all races are guilty of this. I think this fad was started by Malaysian Chinese youths who not too long ago, would make this sound when they saw pretty girls walking past. It goes without saying; these pathetic losers didn’t warrant a look from their targets. Unfortunately, we have now adopted this practice to be used on waiters instead.

Consider this; do you think the same rude Malaysians will do the same to their parents or the waiters at posh restaurants?

I have always thought that people who do this show very badly on their moral standings.
It’s time we stopped doing this. Waiters may not earn that much but there’s 1 similarity between them and us, we are all humans.

The So Called High-Class Residential Areas

It’s undeniable that our country has progressed tremendously and along with it, nudges her people towards upward mobility. The result we see now is a sizeable Malaysians who belong to the middle class or higher.

Nothing is more evident by the mushrooming of new houses courtesy of various developers in catering to the Malaysian nouveau riche.
But we are now witnessing an alarming trend associated with this positive development.
Allow me to justify, I was born and raised in a place called Kepong. Previously this place was regarded as a less than savoury place in KL, fit for people with dubious backgrounds and secret societies were in abundance. There may be a semblance of truth to this but times have changed and today’s Kepong is no longer its former shadow self.

This change is attributed to the fact that we are experiencing land scarcity in KL due to massive migration of people from other states and the birth of more families. For convenience sake, people do want to live near to the city centre and since other places have no more land for further development, naturally developers eye newer untapped places to fulfil these people’s needs. Kepong benefited from this.

Unfortunately, some highly delusional people embarked on an ambitious plan to house rich people yet were very embarrassed by the painful truth that the very land they wanted to develop is situated in Kepong. That could be solved or so they thought, by building new houses and when completed, eradicated whatever association these projects have with seedy Kepong by conveniently adding the name “Damansara” into the new addresses. Better still, have a new postcode instead of 52100.

Suddenly, Damasara is closer to Kepong than ever before and no, it’s not due to the LDP highway but some deceitful acts. If you ask me, there’s no logic why these latest housing estates are called Damansara instead of Kepong since they are actually nearer to Kepong than Damansara! Maybe, this was done to placate equally delusional home buyers that no, they were not going to buy homes in Kepong. Reality bites; therefore, let us all collectively pull the wool over own eyes.
Ironically, some of these home owners used to live within a stone’s throw away in a place called Kepong and some are involved in illegal businesses. What a joke.

Moving away from Kepong, KL has another up and coming new housing project called, lo and behold, Vivaldi! Why they settled on this name is anyone’s guess. I can only hazard a guess that it invokes a feeling of sophistication. It’s not that this hugely popular Venetian music composer was buried in the very ground the structure is built on and neither will he rise from dead to play The Four Seasons the moment the residents reach home after a long and tiring day. I reckon the person who came up with this name for this housing project was probably bankrupted of ideas.

So, moving onwards, what can we expect? Maybe, as I’m writing this piece, an intelligent housing developer might have decided on another new housing estate and it would be called The Picasso-Mozart-Shakespearean-Da Vinci Garden.

What a mouthful but don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.

One of the best jobs in the world

There is one special profession, which doesn’t distinguish whether the interested parties are graduates or non-graduates so long they have the strongest of mind and thickest of skin. However, dynamic acting skills are a pre-requisite to excel in its nature of job.

I’m talking about begging. Begging is ubiquitous in almost all countries, even the United States of America has these “professionals” I’m not wrong at all to label them as professionals because some really work full time as beggars. Who wouldn’t, because in a good day, these professionals can rake in a lot of money? There are beggars who are richer than both you and I combined and this is certainly not an exaggeration.

Apparently, several years ago, it was reported in a local Chinese newspaper on the discovery of a beggar who afforded his children overseas education! Then, there was another one which I saw with my own eyes whilst in primary school, a picture appeared in another Chinese newspaper of an old lady entering a chauffeur-driven Benz. Nothing wrong with that you may think but moments earlier, this swindler queued-up to receive donation from kind donors meant for her fellow oldies living in an old folks’ home.

Of all the different beggars found in Malaysia, no one angers me more than those hiding behind the religious cloak to swindle money from gullible Malaysians. Here, I would like to share tips on how to spot a bogus Buddhist monk from The Real McCoy. To the uninitiated, real monks are only allowed to have several essentials in his possession and they are robe (to cover modesty), alms bowl (strictly for food), razor (to shave their head), a modest shelter and medicine. Any other things not expressed here are considered luxury items, money included. In the olden days, even a pair of slippers was something foreign to Buddhism but times have changed and the religious order now makes allowance for slippers to protect the soles.

In addition to that, monks are expressly discouraged from partaking food after 12 noon. Taking all these into consideration, those robe wearing swindlers are definitely fleecing the unsuspecting public by peddling religious items in their alms bowls when the only item allowed in it is food given by followers. Malaysians who consider themselves Buddhists are partly to blame for allowing this problem to fester due to their ignorance of the very religion they claim to profess. Thais, Sri Lankans, Burmese and Cambodians will definitely see through the impersonators’ ruse because not only do their knowledge of their religion is more solid but back home and by the virtue of being Buddhist countries, the monks there do go out for their alms round every morning to receive food offering from the locals. In Malaysia, monks are not allowed to do that en-masse because of religious sensitivity since ours is not a Buddhist country. So, next time you come across “monks” walking from table to table seeking donation, you may ignore them. In Petaling Street, the “monks” just stand stationary at strategic places. Those are impersonators as well.

Lately, we are also witnessing many old beggars who are Mainland Chinese coming here to beg. These people are definitely brought into Malaysia by syndicates. Here, I would like to stimulate your thought awhile, how can beggars afford to buy plane tickets to come here to Malaysia for begging?

The other type of beggars is the donation seekers representing charitable organisations but these beggars are more dignified because they just have to carry files with a lot of pictures depicting the less fortunate people. I may sound like a cynic to you but I’ve been cheated for far too many times and it is out of civic-consciousness on my part that I am to here to prevent more people from falling victims to these dastardly scams.

If you are still keen on performing good deeds, you might want to consider buying provisions instead of donating money and send these items personally to the charitable organisations of your choice. This is what I do and while I realise even this method is not fool-proof, at least you have some control measures in place.

Otherwise, continue being a gullible fool. Your loss is the conmen’s gain.

Good luck.

Shorties in the world, unite!

Anyone who knows me personally and is not retarded should be able to figure out that I lack in the height department.

Today, I’m going to write about my kind. If you are a shorty and happen to read this, you ought to be proud of yourself for we have been mesmerising mankind for as long as mankind itself, evident by countless folklore, stereotypical stories, movies and books and even anthropological studies.

What is it about us that interest so many people? One thing’s for sure, it’s definitely not due to romantic perception because to many uninterested suitors, short people are just plain undesirable, to put it bluntly. Don’t concur? Just ask Dopey, Grumpy, Doc, Happy, Bashful, Sneezy and Sleepy! Snow White opted for a prince at their expense. Findings from numerous studies also lend credence to my view that women generally prefer tall men to be their partners because they are seen to be healthier, thus able to produce better offspring. Yes, humans may have evolved but we still maintain certain animalistic traits.

Recently, the current French president, Nicolas Sarkozy made news for the wrong reasons, which provided unwitting gags to the international community. His minders saw it fit to selectively ask short workers from a factory he was visiting to appear alongside him in a televised speech so that no one would be seen dwarfing him. That’s not all, at a D-Day commemoration; he delivered a speech whilst standing on a stool behind the dais. He probably did this because 2 other leaders who showed up for the ceremony, President Obama and Prime Minister Gordon Brown are taller than he is.

I find all these rather amusing because here’s a president of a country with the 5th largest economy in the world, yet he still feels insecure about his diminutiveness. Lest you think he’s the shortest leader in the world today, there’s a leader who’s even more modest in height and he is Dmitry Medvedev, the incumbent President of Russia.

If Mr. Sarkozy needs any inspiration from a fellow shorty, he should look no further than his compatriot, Napoleon Bonaparte, the greatest shorty ever. This is an indisputable statement. In his heyday, Napoleon struck fear in many peoples’ mind, so brilliant a strategist he was that he conquered Europe and beyond until The Battle of Waterloo sealed his fate.

Napoleon was so great that he spawns a psychological theory “Napoleon syndrome.” According to psychologists, it’s a term to describe short people who aggressively over excel in their chosen fields to compensate for their limited stature.

Truth be known, the cynical side of me used to believe that successful short people was just mere coincidence and that height had nothing to do with achievements. In fact, I happily concurred with many studies that tall people have many advantages compared to their shorter counterparts in career advancement because short people tend to be viewed suspiciously and unfairly as being more untrustworthy. Then, something jolted me; the people who hold high positions in my company are not very tall. This discovery has started to raise my suspicion about the validity of such studies. Needless to say, I always bear the brunt of colleagues’ jokes that by the virtue of my height, I will be the next big thing in the company. Well, sorry to disappoint you jokers, but I am the exception to the company’s norm.

I would like to share an incident which I will never forget for its combination of sarcasm and humour was when a Chinaman remarked to me several years ago that there were only 2 types of people that he feared, The Hooked-Nose and The Shorties.

If you ever wonder whether I would consider going under the knife to increase my height, my answer is a resounding “NO” because I’ve always consoled myself that there are many famous short people who have made names for themselves, some of them are listed below, together with their height measurement:

• Danny DeVito (Actor)                                                     5’0”
• Edith Piaf (Legendary French Singer)                               4’8”
• Voltaire (French Philosopher)                                          5’3”
• Igor Stravinsky (Composer)                                            5’4”
• St. Francis of Assisi (Patron Saint of Animal)                   5’1”
• Pablo Picasso (Painter)                                                   5’4”
• Madonna (Singer)                                                           5’4”
• Deng Xiaoping (former president of China)                      5’0”
• Joseph Stalin (former leader of USSR)                            5’6”
• Martin Scorsese (Director)                                              5’3”
• Marquis de Sade (French Writer & Poet)                        5’3”
• Al Pacino (Actor)                                                            5’6”
• F. Scott Fitzgerald (Novelist)                                          5’7”
• Ludwig V. Beethoven (Composer)                                 5' 3¾"
• Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi                                     5’3”

Public toilets in Malaysia

"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated." - Mahatma Gandhi

I agree with the above statement-hook, line and sinker but no disrespect to one of 20th century greatest icons, I would like to proffer a statement of my own which reads like this:

“The greatness of a nation and its people’s civilisation is judged by the cleanliness (or the lack, thereof) of its public toilets”

Given a choice, Malaysians wouldn’t want to answer call of nature in any other places except their own residences or that of their friends’ or relatives’ due to the deplorable condition of our lavatories, capable of churning one’s stomach. This sets me thinking, why Fear Factor hasn’t subjected its contestants to use public toilets in this country. Yes, it’s that scary!

We may boast to the world for having the Petronas Twin Towers, a state-of-the-art airport and other great amenities but all these come to a nought, negated by our embarrassing public toilets.

We are to blame for the state of our toilets, which have made international news. We take painstaking care with our home toilets but neglect the public ones. To check this rot, it’s incumbent upon our Malaysian government to embark on a major campaign to change people’s attitude towards public toilets. Yes, been there, done that; but to no avail. However, we could have done better by teaching our schoolchildren the importance of toilet cleanliness and complement it with major publicity blitz in media.

Still, they will not be effective until we start to make do without squatting toilets with every new building that is built. Squatting toilet is ancient and has no place in modern society. It may be more hygienic for the user since we do not come into direct contact with the surface but sitting toilet can just be as hygienic if only proper aids are in order. Make sure either alcohol-based lotion or paper-based toilet bowl covers is readily available in order for users to apply on the sits prior depositing. In the absence of these, Malaysians resort to squatting on sitting toilet bowl and cause shoe stains to be semi-permanent feature. What will the foreigners think of us, that we don’t even understand basic decorum? For the uninitiated, squatting on sitting toilet bowl is highly dangerous because it will break under the squatter’s weight and leave deep-piercing wounds.

Our toilets are always flooded and the sight of water on the floor is ungainly. Anyone stepping on puddle of water leaves stains all over the toilet. Water should only be available at the urinal and basin, not in the toilet cubicles. Toilet paper is good enough. Recently, we see positive development as far as usage of water sparingly is concerned. If my memory serves me right, toilets in The Gardens do not have tap in the cubicles. It’s a good start. When we are left with no choice and situation becomes desperate enough, we will just use the toilets, sans water. If we are to travel abroad where toilets are usually clean, you will notice they do not have tap in the cubicles. Once incident opened up my eyes on how Malaysians approach toilet usage. A colleague was in the office and the toilet was clean but he chose to use the one in a petrol station instead, because it had tap whereas there was none in the office’s toilet. And to think of it, the toilet at the petrol station was filthier!

There’s another ugly side to Malaysians which we need to eradicate and that is, being selfish. After using toilets, some people do not bother to make sure the bowl is stainless for other users. We have a lot to learn from the Japanese who always have the next users in mind whenever they use public facilities. On my part, I make sure I won’t leave stains behind. If more Malaysians start shedding their selfish behaviour, I am confident thing will start to change for the better. Towards this end, we need to start doing our part.

Graffiti is also another thing which embarrasses us no end. I felt very angry that toilets in KLCC were defaced with graffiti of racist and sexual statements. To me, the culprits were downright uncivilised and had very poor upbringing. To be fair, lately, I don’t notice graffiti in KLCC toilets anymore. Kudos to the management.

Lastly, there is another thing Malaysians need to change and that is to treat car park basement as toilet. I have seen on numerous occasions, soiled baby diapers conveniently thrown to the ground! Another uncivilised behaviour.

Bouquets for the organiser of Miss World Malaysia 2009 Pageant?

They are more deserving of brickbats, actually. If they think by resorting to certain moronic stunts, they are able to generate good publicity, they have definitely erred big time.

Call me devoid of humour but I genuinely do not find anything remotely funny with one of their promotional clips for the pageant as it reeks of blatant sexism and is so disrespectful. As a matter of fact, the clip is in bad taste and only seeks to tell the whole world how they sorely lack in finesse.

In the clip that is uncalled for, a man is seen walking around in public with a leash held by a woman. Who would have thought that in this day and age where women have achieved greater emancipation, some people have to ruin the good work done by their sisters in the past by coming up with this pathetic and demeaning clip?

I am very sure had the clip been made in such a way that the woman was on the leash held by the man, numerous women’s groups would have been up in arms, raised hue and cry and condemned in the strongest terms imaginable what they see as an attempt to cast their kind as social pariah. If you want respect, you have to earn it. Regretfully, the public is deafeningly muted on this clip. Shame on you, really!

Many years ago, Samantha Schubert appeared for a Bufori advertisement saying something along the line of "I don't care who you are, but if you drive a Bufori, I am all yours." The clamour for it to the ad to be axed was very loud and clear but this time around, people pretend as though the clip is innocuous. What double standards.
Could it be that powerful people are behind the organising of this pageant? I don’t rule that out.

Anyway, I’ve never been a fan of beauty pageants in our country. In two particular pageants, I prophesised before pageants started proper that Elaine Daly and Andrea Fonseka would win and I wasn’t disappointed. It’s so predictable.

Suspicious? I leave it to your wisdom to judge.

Here's the offensive clip:

Malaysian Road Users

Those familiar with the world of literary need no introduction to Robert Louis Stevenson’s successful character, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde which suffers from split personality. It was so successful that today, the phrase “Jekyll and Hyde” means someone who displays good and evil personalities alternately.

In Malaysia, we can find a lot of Jekyll and Hyde on our roads and mind you, they are not fictitious. Generally, we are friendly and warm by nature but the moment we are behind wheel, a different personality takes charge. Incidents of road bully have taken place but would these bullies have vented out the same if they were not driving? Quite unlikely.

Reasons are aplenty on why people lose their cool easily when in their vehicles. A minor incident on the road could be the final straw which breaks the camel’s back after a stressful and difficult day for the vehicle’s occupant. I can think of only 3 factors which lead them to run amok momentarily. The knowledge they are inside the vehicle, hence chances of escaping are higher and that they are anonymous to the “offensive” party. These theories of mine found an ally with a trained psychologist several years ago when he theorised the same in a local newspaper.

To solely blame the person who resorts to road rage is unfair because there are times when other road users can be very annoying and I would like to share with you, certain species found on Malaysian roads.

The “road-hoggers”
Road hoggers like to test other people’s patience by driving at leisurely pace, hogging the express lane as a result, and refuse to give way to other drivers who want to overtake. Some of these selfish imbeciles actually don’t see anything wrong with their antic as long as they keep to the speed limit. If it makes them feel less guilty, they can justify it that way but really, is it very difficult to give way to other people who are in a hurry? People might be in a rush due to emergency, all right?! Congested highways during long festive season can be partly attributed to the road-hoggers. A few years ago, an engineer was killed in the same year he was supposed to get married. What did he do to warrant his premature death? He hogged the express lane and refused to budge, drawing his killer’s ire.

The “scared of sunlight” aunty
I notice this is a recent trend. While waiting for traffic light to turn green, these drivers will take shelter under tree branches and leaves. In doing so, they leave a wide gap in front, between their cars and the line. At times, the gap can be so wide that 2 more cars can fill it. What is the implication of this selfish act? When light finally turns green, less cars behind can drive through before the light changes colour. How to spot this category of drivers? I don’t think it’s an unfair generalisation but majority are aunties who wear long sleeves to cover their arms. Some of the more paranoid ones are spotted wearing sunglasses and hats as well. This is my advice to them: “Numbskull, if you think sunlight can melt you, don’t drive until sunset and if you must drive when it’s scorching hot, don’t bloody take shelter! “

The Indicator-phobic No. 1
These drivers like to make other drivers wait in vain at a junction. They are about to turn left but will never indicate to the waiting driver their next move. The result is a frustrated driver who waited for nothing. I wouldn’t want to date this category of driver because she might do the same to you while you are on the bed, expecting something good as she sexily strut her stuff away and the next thing you know, she leaves the room. Frustrated, ain’t it?

The Indicator-phobic No.2
Whereas Indicator-phobic No.1 doesn’t like to use their car’s indicators, Indicator-phobic No.2 doesn’t like to see you putting on your own indicator to notify them of your intention to change lane. Upon seeing your indicator lights up, he will accelerate to close the gap, thus depriving you the chance to switch lane. Funnily enough, when you don’t put on the signal and just change lane, Indicator No.2 will not close the gap and all is well.

The Interceptor No.1 & 2
Imagine yourself driving fast on the express lane and then suddenly, the car on your left swerves into your lane. How about his cousin, Interceptor No.2? He is at a junction and upon seeing your car approaching, drives out nevertheless and to compound matters, do it slowly. I think I need to change my brake pads sooner than later.

The Red-Light Beater
This usually happens when the roads are deserted after midnight. You waited because the traffic light signals you to. When it flashes its green light, of course you heed it but lo and behold, another car just whizzed past you from a different direction, narrowly missing your car by inches. This jackass not only endangers his life but yours as well. If you are a female and reading this, I strongly advise you not to date this kind of driver because who knows what he might still want to do even after telling him you are having period?

The Line Lover
Lines on the road serve a purpose and drivers should confine themselves within the line, not on it. Yet, we have drivers who just love to drive their cars in the middle of the line. Consequently, other drivers don’t have enough space to overtake, either from right or left side.

The “I have the time in the world” drivers
You have been scouring high and low for a parking space in the mall for minutes and your movie is about to start. Suddenly, Lady Luck smiles at you or so you think. You know for a fact that Pak Cik and his family are going to leave as they put all their groceries into the car but they are oh so refine that they have to do things very slowly from opening the boot to getting their arses into the car. When their car finally moves out and you get your chance to park, you realise your movie has just ended.

The Tortoise Pedestrians
This particular species like to take things for granted. Either they think your car will be damaged extensively upon coming into contact with their bodies or they have every reason to believe you don’t dare to knock them down.

The Queue-Jumpers
You approach a long line of cars because traffic light is red and like any civilised drivers, you wait but as soon as the traffic light turns green, Houdini-like drivers suddenly appear out of the blue and put on indicator to tell you they want to cut in ashamedly. They think that by just putting on indicator, they can be forgiven for acting uncivilly. Strangely, these queue-jumpers could be Indicator-phobic No.1 & 2 respectively, at other times.

The Mellow Yellow Drivers
These drivers know there are many cars in front of theirs and traffic is moving bumper to bumper. Still, they will drive into the Yellow Box and block you from turning right into another road. They have this mentality “If I’m going to be caught in a jam, you should too”

The Union of Punters and Busybodies
Many a time, traffic jams are avoidable but owing to this category of drivers, they have to slow down to look even at the most minor of accidents. I wouldn’t be surprised that these drivers’ favourite pastime is to look at paint drying up. Punters, on the other hand, like to take advantage of other people’s misfortune. These drivers won’t even lift their pinky to help the accident victims.

Apart from the 12 kinds of species stated above, I am very sure there are many others I might have overlooked. I hope our Transport Ministry will compel learner drivers and present driving licence holders to undergo a new sensitiser course so as to make our Malaysian roads less stressful to drive on. When this becomes a reality, road bully incidents are bound to decrease.

Singaporean? MY FOOD!

Out of duty as a Malaysian, I feel it is necessary to lend my voice into the tussle that is taking place pertaining to whether Singapore or Malaysia has the rightful claim over certain types of food as its own.

Much as I admire Singapore for its achievements since gaining independence 44 years ago, I don’t think they are rich, culture-wise. After all, history shows how they benefited a lot from things Malaysian. For a start, many of their former ministers in Lee Kuan Yew’s early cabinet were Malaysians, not to mention their bureaucrats and professionals as well. This is the truth.

Lest we forget, we came up with the idea of conquering Mount Everest, bringing in giant Ferris wheel, hosting big sporting events like the Commonwealth Games and F1 race. Then, they just conveniently took the cues from us.

Speaking of Mount Everest, I read somewhere that one of their climbers was actually a Malaysian. That aside, they also have a peculiar habit of naturalising foreign sportspeople to represent the country and when these foreign born achieve something notable, they make a big hoo-hah. Remember how they raved enthusiastically about their women table tennis team that won silver medals in the 2008 Beijing Olympics? The players, Li Jia Wei, Feng Tian Wei and Wang Yuegu were all born in China

With all these, it gives me reason to believe that they too, adopted Bak Kut Teh, Nasi Lemak, Hainanese Chicken Rice and Laksa. Admittedly, what they have been doing well in recent years was their Government’s relentless campaign to promote these dishes internationally as their own while we sat back and did nothing about it.

Now that Datuk Seri Dr Ng Yen Yen finally sees the need to identify these dishes as our own, I warmly welcome this publicity that she is generating and stop Singapore in their track to always claim they are the originator of the dishes. I say it’s better late than never.

However, if they are still adamant that these dishes originated from Singapore, I don’t think we should waver in staking our own claim. It’s still a win-win move for us, rather than allowing Singapore to be the sole claimant. After all, both countries do share a lot of things in common. Why not, share credit on food as well?